I will Serenade You, Momma

I want to appreciate my mum's time with me, even after she left. I miss her so much but I understand that she needed time away from the pain she felt; she needed some peace for herself to heal, so she did what was necessary to protect us. She had been diagnosed with cancer when I was seven years old. After spending two hours in chemo, her condition started deteriorating; her breathing became ragged and her skin was turning a deep blue color. Her last words were, "I love you, baby, I hope you know how sorry I am." She passed on just over a year ago.

I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about all the things I could've said to her back then. Maybe if I'd told her how much I loved her, maybe if I'd cried more when she died or asked if there was any way we could be together like before... The signs were there but none of them made sense. None of them made sense except her, my mother. She was always the strongest person I knew. She was the most resilient person I knew and I couldn't stand by and let someone else take her place. I don't think I realized how badly I needed someone until I didn't have one anymore.

I want to use this opportunity to confess to you how much I love you mom, not because you're gone but because I want you to hear these words from me, even though you can't reply. I'm sorry I didn't get to say it more often when you were around. Even though you won't be here to hold me in your arms. You will forever remain in my heart, Mommy. No matter where I am, no matter who I'm with, I'll always love you. Even if you can't see me now, I will always love you. And I never stopped, not once.

Even when I thought about moving on, I never stopped loving you. There's nothing else that I need to say.

Thank you, Mommy. Thank you for giving me the courage to do what was right. Thank you for being the one who taught me how to live, how tight, and thrive when others couldn't. Thank you for everything that you are and everything that you did. I'll continue to try and remember that each day.

The only thing keeping me going is your absence, I guess. If I close my eyes, I can still feel you sitting next to me, holding onto my hand, whispering encouraging words in my ear. It's funny how sometimes, it feels as if you're still right there with me, holding me. That you haven't left my side. When you left, it took everything I had inside of me to keep walking in life. It took every bit of strength that I had and every bit of courage that I possessed to go out into the world and make myself a better person.

I'm so grateful that you gave me enough faith in myself to be able to do that. I love you so much, Mama. More than anything else in the whole wide world.

I wish that I had more time. I wish that I had more time with you. So that someday, I could tell you that I'm okay.

Even though you might know now, I told some petty lies to escape punishment when I was much younger. I also pretended several times. I pretended I didn't want to move to San Diego because I liked it in California, because the truth is, I want you, momma, I just didn't want to leave behind everything that I grew up knowing.

So thank you for showing me that people can become better people through sheer willpower alone and I'm very grateful that you were there with me throughout everything.

I'm proud of you, Mom. I am. I wouldn't be who I am today without you.

You will always be proud of me, Mom.

Your big girl.

Happy Mother's Day Always.