I’ve Given Too Much Of Myself To Other People, And Now I Resent Them.

I have a confession to make — I’ve lied to myself too often. I always thought I am a generous person. I would often give a lot to people that I didn’t even know.

I was always the first one to “offer help” to a stranger. I was there to “volunteer” for the tasks that I didn’t truly want to do. I’ve lent money when I didn’t even have the money myself.

I used to cover the table bill — too often. Why? Because I made more money than the majority of my friends. But the real reason why is being insecure.

For years I would give, give and give all over again and then I would have resentments. I would secretly dislike all of those people that have “taken” things from me — time, knowledge, money, attention. Then I would be very hurt and angry, but guess what?

I would continue to give and I would continue to expect things in return. Just recently I’ve realized that at no point in my life I was “giving” anything — I was just compensating for things that I needed at that time.

My mother always doubted me. She told me on many occasions that I was not good enough, so I did more than was needed from me. At work, I took more responsibilities than I can handle. I experienced burnout. In relationships, I was overgiving so I can prove that I am worthy of love and attention.

But somehow all of that wasn’t enough to help me feel enough.

By giving others what they “needed” or “wanted” I thought I was being in control of the situation. I never truly accepted myself for who I am nor I loved myself enough. I wished to be in a dominant position and this way people would not leave me and will not figure out that I was unworthy of their attention. This control made me feel safe.

I realized I was giving from a very wrong place. When others didn’t meet my expectations (which they didn’t) I felt resentment towards them and the relationships were ruined forever.

Because I was not giving at all. I was lying to others too. My gifts were never for free.

• I was giving because I was insecure —I needed validation.
• I was giving because I thought that somebody owns me.
• I was giving because I was scared of losing certain people or things.
• I was giving because I didn’t have boundaries.
• I was giving because I felt as if I must give.
• I was giving because I wished to keep a tab.
• I was giving with “strings attached”.
• I was giving and neglecting my own needs.
• I was giving in order to control others.

Now years later, I have nothing to give anymore — I am drained and exhausted of giving. But most importantly, I am exhausted from being a broken version of myself and feeling “unworthy”.

So I decided to stop giving myself away — I’ve decided to rebuild myself.

If any of the above statements remind you of yourself perhaps it's time to recognize the reasons why are you “overgiving” and feeling bitter afterwards. If you're giving and not expecting to earn, receive anything in return — good.

But if you are keeping tabs then it’s time to stop.

How Do You Stop Giving When You Don’t Want To Give?

You must set boundaries. Perhaps you feel guilty and feel as if you “need” to provide for other people. You need to learn how to say “no” and not feel guilty about it.

If you keep pleasing people even when you don’t want to you will become bitter and unhappy with yourself. You don’t need to always do things people ask you of. Try to remind yourself that is healthy and sometimes even necessary to take a step back.

Most importantly don’t think what others might think of you when you do, it should not matter, those who truly care for you will understand and accept you as you are.

Be kind to yourself. If you are giving yourself away because you feel “unworthy” it’s time to practise self-care and become kinder to yourself. Ask yourself — what makes you feel better? What do you want? What do you need?

Make yourself a priority and help yourself. If you truly wish to be able to help and provide for others — you must help yourself first. By doing this, you’re helping to ensure that you’ll be able to continue giving to other people — if that’s what you wish. By being drained you won’t be able to help anyone anymore.

Think of your expectations. Before you give ask yourself honestly if you are having some hidden expectations. Are you hoping that you will be rewarded somehow this way? If so — it most likely will lead to disappointment and resentment.

Remind yourself to only give when you are ready to receive NOTHING in return. This way you will feel much better and will avoid uncomfortable feelings or situations.

Believe that you are “enough”. If you are trying to show someone that you are worthy or if you looking for validation, remind yourself that you are already enough. Remember you don’t ever need to give anything to others to prove your worthiness.

You are always enough.

Thank you for reading.

This article was originally published here.