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I Took That Shit All The Way To The Pew

by Maxwell Denny

By Maxwell DennyPublished 3 years ago 8 min read

My name is Maxwell Denny. Poor choices and skewed genetics have led to a life of utter chaos and ultimate demise. It has been said that I embody psychotic behavior, often lacking routine human emotions such as fear, love, distress, and embarrassment. But oh how the outside eye needeth put on a pair of glasses and get thy nose out of thy neighbor's anus. For one August evening would change the course of my life forever; staining my soul stale and the church pews brown, leaving me in a constant state of embarrassment that will haunt me forever.

August 20th, 2010

I remember that day because it was the Friday concluding the first week of high school. I also remember that day because it was the first time that I publicly shit myself. The night was young and the event was the freshman lock-in; some ass-hat, ice-breaker, sleep depriving social event for the incoming freshman. I attended a Catholic school, so of course we started every event off with good ol' fashioned mass. Liturgy of the Eucharist. Mass of the Faithful. The Source and the Summit. Anyway, we're filing in and boy do I feel giddy. Butterflies begin to take over as I see new faces and scope out the pretty women. My stomach begins to sharpen, my knees begin to quake, and then oh fuck my joints begin to hurt. I knew this feeling. No Max, this was not the excitement of starting a new chapter of your life, this was the Ulcerative Colitis you were diagnosed with just a month prior. That's right. I was so fresh to the disease that I was vastly unaware of the dangers I was walking around with. So ignorant I recall referring to myself as King Clinch once or twice. But BOY WAS I ABOUT TO BE DETHROWNED.

If you are unfamiliar with Ulcerative Colitis (UC) it's Chron's nasty slut of a stepsister. I will not go into huge detail, but one of the main symptoms is bowel incontinence. After being diagnosed, I had to recover from a hemoglobin of 5 and high school was already off to a rocky start. I did not make the basketball team due to lack of energy, and because I was on so much steroids I entered high school with a bloated face that undeniably resembled a recess kickball. A real batter's ball too. One where if Sammy Quads gets a half decent foot on the ball, kiss it good-bye because this motherfucker is going to carry.

Back to the story. I got stuck in the smack dab middle of the church before I noticed I was going to have a problem. But I thought I could make a run for the bathroom before we sta....AHHHHH (SHOT CLOCK BUZZER) WRONG! Mass had started fuckers, let us pray.

From here it was brutal. I mean the UC was wicked too, but Mass I could not do it that day. I understand that Father Brian is human and has nerves and that he was about to perform a holy sacrament in front of fresh faces, but the guy had no sense of urgency and the hymns were bottom of the barrel. Not acceptable.

I guess Brian does not deserve all the heat because we had Stumbles McGee at the mike for the First and Second Readings and then her replacement, Read it again Reagan, took the stand for the Gospel reading and read the whole thing over twice. I'm losing my fucking mind here. We were a solid 10 rotations behind by the time we got to the homily. The impending doom might have influenced my opinion, but talk about a nightmare .

The worst part though was the Ro Sham Bo combo. Kneel Sit Stand. It had my colon sloshing around like a wave pool while feeling like it was sucking on a ring pop dangling outside of my ass. I probably know what you are wanting to say though....

"God I could really go for a Ring-Pop" and "Max just get up and go to the restroom!"

Well, if you have ever been to one of these things, when you get up from your seat you will realize just how many hawks are attending Catholics; with their fucking eyes glued to you as if one just walked away mid conversation with God himself. Screw it though I have no choice. I bob and weave to the end of the aisle where I was stopped by a link crew leader. An upper-classman there to guide you on a glorious night of infinite fun. *snaps finger* "Get back in your seat!" she said. That's when I knew I was fucked. Like many moments in my life up to that point, I had just backed myself into a corner where I had to pray. The only way I was going to pack it in was divine intervention. So, I look up to the alter. I remember because I could not believe it, Father Brian read Galatians 6:9,

"Let us not be weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up."

So as I am literally giving myself upon to thee for perseverance....I was yielded NOTHING.

I squat-cobblered it. I hot pressed it. Most people said I waffle-paned it. I sat and shit at the same time, man. I like to think that I took that shit all the way to the pew. Somehow after what seemed like everything exited my body, I was still filled to the brim with embarrassment.

From here, I hate to admit it, a series of events that can only be described as "acts of God" followed. As gravity took me and my poo to the pew, Father Brian urged anyone still wanting to engage in prayer to do so. This was easy for me, as I was already assuming seated prayer position and I could play it off as following Father Brian. But what about the smell? Apparently, when I panini pressed my shit sandwich, for a lack of better words it really sealed in the flavor. I'm one Ziploc vacuum sealed sitting motherfucker. I sat in "prayer" for 6 LONG minutes while the events for the rest of the night were explained and people left the chapel

When I felt that most people were gone, I opened my eyes and I saw Michael. Michael was one of three people in the chapel and was the perfect person to find. Michael was a link crew leader and happened to be my best friends older brother. He's the most trustworthy person I have met still to this day. I mean shit, Michael won the "Joseph" award at my middle school for embodying biblical characteristics. This could not have been better. So I made the stand of death, fanned out two of those papers that help you follow along with mass across my chocolate browns that were once some pearly whites, and went and told Michael the issue at hand. He showed me where the bathroom was, I pulled an all time clean up job, called my dad for some back up clothes, and I was back in 35. I thought I had gotten away with it.

When I arrived at school that following Monday, I noticed people gathering outside more than usual. And then when I entered the building I realized why. What had happened was I forgot to clean the shit in the chapel at all. So for 60 hours my shit baked in a still aired chapel (connected to two buildings and the lockers). Eventually the smell leaked over into the school, piercing the soul of some 1400 students.

By second period, people started piecing things together. Due to the lock-in it was immediately narrowed down to a freshman. Eyes started to point toward me. I had a few friends who knew about my stomach condition, I could not hide my prednisone fat face, and not a single person who knew me believed Max, a known non-believer, had a moment of clarity sending him into a 40 minute silent spiritual hiatus. Not a fucking chance. And by third period it did not matter what people believed, as people took to social media that Maxwell Denny was the infamous shitter. By the end of third period, the school went into an uproar applause as workers with hazmat suits removed the shit soaked pew from school grounds. I went home that day and asked my parents if I could move schools, but because they had invested so much time and money into the schools programs, leaving was not an option

Sometimes I look back at Saturday, August 22nd and Sunday, August 23rd and think those are the happiest of my times. Two days where I felt as if I had gotten away with crime yet was defined by innocence. It was the last two days where I was not known as that chapel shittin' guy.

I'll leave you here with the most prominent nicknames that I remember: Shitpants, brown anchor, velvet pickles, slurge, taint-hoagie, Shat Johnson party of poo, fudge dragon, FUMBLEROOSKI ( I played defense), and Bartolo Colon out here trying to throw a no-shitter.


About the Creator

Maxwell Denny

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