I'm tired, Vocal

I started writing after a four year hiatus last year, and it felt amazing. Whether I was re-working older stories, writing new ones, or just rambling on about this or that. It felt so good.

I joined Vocal, put out some pieces, got Top Story a couple of times. I joined Facebook groups and tried to promote my work.

Suddenly, everyone was talking about how much "better" Medium was, so I jumped on that train. I made an account, started scheduling weekly posts - mostly content that I shared on Vocal first. I gained a few followers right away, and then nothing.

Everything on Medium that was being pushed on me was "How I got to 100 Followers" or "How I made $$ on Medium." None of the content was interesting to me. So, I would schedule weeks, sometimes months in advance, and I stopped checking Medium. I'm considering cancelling my account, but I just don't have the energy.

I watched the talk about Medium fizzle out, knowing the whole time that overall, I liked Vocal much better. I liked the content more, there were a few things missing, but they seemed to be putting new stuff out all the time (comments, the app, etc.) so I didn't sweat it much.

I participated in quite a few challenges - creating some mediocre work, some pretty good work, as well as one piece that is that I would consider the best work I've ever written. I didn't need recognition of winning any challenges, but I still excitedly checked several times a day when the results would come out... and several times the next day... and the next, depending on how late the results were.

Suddenly, challenges started picking up speed, and the submission deadlines were getting shorter and shorter. I started watching deadline after deadline pass. I knew that I would still be on draft two or three by the time the deadline came around, so I just gave up. Obviously that is not the best way to handle it, but that's what I've been doing apparently.

Without the excitement and push of the challenges however, I've been struggling to post. My work is exhausting. My home life is exhausting. I have a life. A home to care for, a dog to keep happy, a fiancé states away. I'm trying to keep up with laundry and dishes and dusting and watering. Why do I have so many plants all of a sudden??

I barely see any friends, and the last thing I want to do with the last hour of my night is sit and come up with a topic to write about. I float ideas around my head for a month before I maybe type something up. Some of that work is maybe okay? I've also resorted to pieces from my past, and I'm barely touching them before submitting. That's not my voice anymore. It's from five plus years ago, and it reeks of college desperation and sadness. I didn't even try to air it out like I normally would.

And here I am, producing something that is probably shit. Why? Because I can't bother to pick up and write in a journal? I need to put it on the internet?

I'm watching people post in the Facebook groups, tagging all these other creators - networking, making friends, and I feel so out of it. I try to post to Vocal at least once a week, but it's exhausting trying to write just to make sure that my profile doesn't look inactive.

I have so many stories with zero reads now. Some of them have been up for months. Others are more recent. I haven't even been sending links to friends and family because I feel like nothing I come up with is even worth the effort.

I'm just tired, Vocal.

Should I take a break? Probably. But am I going to? No.

If you aren't already, consider giving me a follow: there will be more mediocre shit content coming in the future.