I'm Sorry, Mom

I’m sorry Mom,

I’m sorry that I burdened you in your youth, that I stole the parts of your life that you needed in order to grow and find out who you are. It’s true that I did not ask to be born, but I’ve never been happy to have a life. No matter how much fleeting joy I’ve experienced, the pain of you not wanting me, makes none of it worth it.

I’m sorry that I wanted to die, and it made you angry. I’m sorry I can’t believe in your god. You cling to that faith as if it will carry you into a better life, or afterlife, but you’ve forgotten about being good and true in this one. I’m sorry I care more about discovering who I am and leaving your concerns about my eternal soul cast aside.

I want to love and bring good into the world, and I’m sorry that you cannot see that. It’s true that I tell people we are not close, that I’ve told people I hate you, but it’s not you I hate. It’s what you believe, it’s what you can’t see in me, that I cry wanting to be wanted by you, but that is an impossibility.

I love with my whole being, it matters not if you are male or female or anything in between, because I love what’s real. I’m sorry that you believe such a thing is immoral and wrong, that my going to heaven with you is more important than any happiness I may receive in this life. I’m so very sorry I don’t believe in heaven and that I wonder if your misdeeds will allow you to enter if it was real.

I’m sorry I’ve never told you how much I loved you as a teenager. I was afraid to reveal any real part of my emotions because you cleaved any joy from me with your anger. I had to protect myself, even if you only ever hurt me with words. I’m sorry I am not a daughter that you are proud of, that you can showcase to the people you want to admire you.

If we could cast aside any preconceived notions of each other and find the real and raw parts of ourselves then maybe my pain of not being good enough for you would be less of a weight. I’ve known for years that you cannot face yourself in the mirror and see yourself for what flaws you have. That vulnerability is too much for you to bear and I understand more than you know. I’ve looked in mine and felt sorrow so permanent that the sunlight cannot penetrate the dark overcast within me. I know you never wanted to hurt anyone, as I am not alone in this, but you put yourself first before anyone.

That is the crux of the matter. I am unable to stop myself from imagining what I would do in your shoes. I would embrace my daughters, I would provide gentle and loving advice, I would heave any amount of weight to never let my daughters feel alone in this world. I’m sorry you never got the chance to experience that motherly love and that it took me so long to understand that you cannot practice what you’ve never been taught. It’s unbearable that you walk through life intent on a destination that I cannot fathom, that I would rather believe in nothing than your god that condemns me for feelings that I have no control over.

Mom, I am most sorry that I've never told you that I forgive you.