I’m not broken

You didn’t break me, Mom. You did what you could in world working against you. When I was born, the knowledge of Autism was so basic, so limited… you simply didn’t know. When I was a kid, they’d say things like “cold parenting causes autism” and find any way to blame you for things we couldn’t change. I can see why you were scared to get that diagnosis and worry what else people might say about us. You didn’t want them jumping to conclusions, not about me, not about you, not about us. You just wanted people to see me for me, not a label, not a diagnosis. You just wanted to help. You know now, in ways it hindered me, perhaps I didn’t get the help I needed early enough. But you also allowed me to be me, you didn’t push me into ABA, you never stopped me from rocking, sucking on my blanket or fixating on the strangest things. You supported me however you could. You let me find myself however I needed to even if it didn’t quite make sense to you.

Some may say you broke me, you raised me wrong, and that’s why I’m queer. They’ll write you a laundry list of reasons why. One full of ignorance. People in our own family have said you should have punished me harder. They said you were too kind and didn’t push me hard enough and it’s your fault I’m like this. The truth is, you did everything RIGHT. You gave me a safe space to love whoever I wanted to love. Even when you were confused you lent an ear to listen to what I had to say, to try and understood, even if it seemed too foreign or new…you listened. There were times I was afraid to be open about my sexuality, my gender identity but I realize now I had nothing to fear. You have tried understand, keep up with terms, find ways to identify and understand. You didn’t raise me wrong, you aren’t too kind, you aren’t too weak…. You’re stronger for fighting against the current with me. We had to swim upstream so many times against the current, but If I hadn’t have had you, I surely would have drown.

You didn’t ruin me by leaving Dad either. If anything you taught me that it’s okay to outgrow people and do what’s right for yourself. I watched you find yourself again, find your place in the sun. Not just a wife, not just a mother, but a multifaceted being. You showed me that a relationship was two unique individuals who had to work together but still remain their own person. I watched you find love again after heartbreak and you supported me through my own heartbreak. You embraced my wife and realized how happy I was fully living in my queerness. You and I found love in unexpected places because you showed me it was okay to find love again in the first place. You showed me the complexities of love and how it can’t be fit in a tiny box.

Things weren’t always easy, but it doesn’t mean it was all bad. Even in the toughest times you made me laugh. Even in the moments that hurt, we hung on together. I forgive you for the hurt, and embrace you for the moments that I’ll treasure forever.

You didn’t make me wrong, Mom. If anything… you made me right. Every little moment sewn together made me the adult i am today. You made me who I need to be, and the right time. I love you, Mom. I’m not broken, and neither are you.