I Licked Her Bread

When it comes to confessions, it doesn't get much better than revenge via saliva and soggy bread.

We all have roommate drama. Whether it's because of a romantic interest, jealously, making too much noise early in the morning, or because the gossip got out of hand, it's almost always there. Well, mine was the toxic concoction of all of the above and more.

When my three college roommates and I decided to live with each other, we were the best of friends. We were literally inseparable; you couldn't find one of us without at least one of the others. If I am really being honest, these girls were the best friends I had ever had. Sure I had made some close friends in high school, but those relationships didn't hold a candle to the level of fun, excitement, and trust that I had in these girls.

So when it came time to choose our sophomore roommates, it was way too easy to sign my name with the three amazing ladies in my friend group.

I could not have been more wrong.

When I think about our group dynamic, I probably should have seen our epic fallout coming. We had two very dominant personalities in the group: me and my eventual victim. The other two were incredible women, but they let me down when I needed them most. "Passive" isn't quite the right word, but they definitely did their parts to stay out of the drama.

I am not saying that I won't take accountability for my own actions because I was also at fault. At the time, I was trying to get over my ex-boyfriend of over three years. I had caught him cheating at the end of my freshman year with the classic, "girl he told me not to worry about." (yes, we went to the same college, but I'm going to save that story for another #NoRegrets confession). Needless to say, I was a rebound-hunting wreck.

I went out every Friday and Saturday and would get needlessly drunk. When I would go out, I got caught up with the wrong crowds and did more reckless things than I needed to. But to be fair, my roommates all came out with me when our friendships began. We all went out and had fun together, I just kept going out when they were all ready to stop the partying.

During this time, I will admit that I was meeting a lot of men. And, I was having a pretty good time. This was the first time I had ever had that kind of attention from guys, and... confession time... it felt good. Honestly, it's what I had needed to get over my ex. Should I have taken up yoga and spent time on myself? Maybe. But my many exciting romantic interests ultimately helped me move on.

Now was when things got sticky.

Instead of going out together, I started going out with other friends. Some of our normal posey came with me, but my roommates did not. I started hanging out with other people, and my roommates and I grew further and further apart. Don't get me wrong, I wanted them to come out with me. I always asked if they wanted to come out, and every once in a while they said yes, but mostly it was a hard no.

After passive-aggressive interventions, sessions with our hall's RA to settle disputes, and countless arguments, I decided it was time to move out. So I took my case to the head of the residence hall and got a new room assignment.

The day I decided to leave was probably one of the worst days of my life and one that I had blocked from my brain until recently. I loved these girls, and I had not wanted it to end like this. Deep down, I had hoped this decision would start to repair our relationships.

But alas, something else happened before I could start to make amends. After I told my roommates I would be moving out, I learned some rather sickening information about the girl I had shared a room with. She was the person who called the shots, and I had already known she had spread some nasty rumors about me. She had told nearly everyone she knew that I was a rotten human with no soul. In fact, even years after the incident I would still have people tell me that I was nothing like the person my roommate said I was.

I was a little bothered by the rumors, but my closest friends and I knew they weren't true so I let that slide.

But what I didn't let slide was the fact that she had brought her current partner over and rubbed their used condom all over my bed and pillow. Sure it was also a rumor, but I couldn't let that one go. That nasty action had crossed the line.

Fast forward to move out day and it was just me and my best friend. He and I were determined to get my stuff out as quickly as possible. So in under an hour, I was cleaned out.

As I was about to walk out the door for the last time, I saw a loaf of my roommate's freshly baked bread. That's when I got the idea. Yes it was passive, yes it was immature, and yes it was petty, but I thought it was the sweetest revenge I could possibly get. So, I went over to the loaf and licked it all over. It wasn't enough lick to make the bread soggy, but it was enough for me to know that she'd be eating my fresh germs.

Yes, my readers, revenge tasted like some freshly baked wheat bread.

Do I regret what I did? Not really. It was pretty harmless, and it was the source of many jokes throughout the rest of our college years. My ex-roommate did end up finding out about it, but she never confronted me about it nor did she ever speak to me or look in my general direction ever again.

While I do regret not trying to make amends with my other roommates, I would not be anywhere near where I am today without this falling out with them. Because I was no longer friends with these roommates, I met some of the most amazing people, learned a lot about myself, and even met the man I am currently dating to this day.

So my advice to any girl currently battling girl drama, just be yourself. After all, it's your life and you can choose to make your own decisions. However, maybe try having some honest conversations before you resort to licking someone's bread.

Thank you for reading!