I Got Fired

I got fired or let go if you want to put it lightly.

Something a younger version of myself could have never believed. I was the goodiest of two shoes, always stuck in my own ways but trying to achieve others seeing worth in me. I remember back in college before graduation, I so badly wanted to be recruited. I would have gone anywhere and done anything for someone else to see potential in me. A job I have come to realize now is not anything I want to be a part of.

I am kind of really lost right now, and I can't blame anyone but myself, though the sadness and irritation from the fallout that lingers wants me to pin it on someone. Because that would mean there is a reason f0r all of this instead of a realization. Why do I want to blame? Why do I blame myself? It was only a job, there are plenty out there, right? But was it only a job? Or was it just another dream that doesn't make sense to me now?

Back in high school on this pamphlet for this fundraiser presentation I was a part of, there was a question on it of what I wanted to do with my life. I felt like the only acceptable answer is to put your dream job. At that age I had many dreams, being the activities director at a summer camp, being a sales manager at a hotel, being a venue manager at a wedding venue, being someone who planned events for a big company. I had so many dreams. As I have gotten older and the years have passed, I keep checking off trying those jobs, but each leave me at a dead end. Each didn't meet the precedence or potential for them that I saw in my mind.

I have always relied on structure to keep me sain. I was never good at the structure of the school system, as school was hard for me, and I didn't understand why I couldn't comprehend so many things others could. But despite that daily battle, I still depended on the structure of the organized system. You work hard, you become successful right? I worked hard graduated high school, didn't know my plan, but I had an idea of where I needed to go and what I needed to do to get me where I thought I wanted to be. The structure of society is ingrained the seams of my skin. It is a part of who I am, but now, I resent everything I feel for this structure.

Everything in society falls under money, time and health. Health is what we should be most grateful for, yet the money and time is what primarily controls my mind. I have spent a good 25 years of my life consumed with making money. I get told I am so good with my money, or I have more saved than most people my age. They say this to me as a good thing, and it is. I have e a safety net. But that safety net strangles me on a daily occasion. I can't splurge and spend money on even a Starbucks because it is not a necessary purchase. I can't spend money without major contemplation and justification. When I go to the store and buy something I don't need, my chest tightens, and I start justifying the use of whatever I bought to the brink. I don't like this about myself ..at all. I don't think it's healthy and I don't think this mind set is sustainable.

Back to getting fired! I had high hope for that job, I was only there a few days when I realized, something I used to love, now feels meaningless to me. Something I have thrived in before, now feels not where my heart is at. They saw that through my words and attitude at the job. But why was I staying where I knew the same thing they did? Money! It paid well and I had hopes it would get better.

Now I am here. I moved into a new place with my best friend who is living her dream, and the walls feel unfamiliar to me. This apartment is a contract of restriction for doing whatever I want. I am stuck into a lease with the added attachment of my best friend and our relationship intertwined. I am in a relationship with a boy who should be a dream, but even if I love him, my life and future do not include him. I have something I enjoy but am so afraid of being mediocre at it. And most of all, I am not making money, enough to see value in myself at least, and I don't feel proud of myself anymore.

I know I can't base my value on where I work or what I do. Ideally, I know there is more life than what we do to live, but I feel like I am nothing. I have nothing to my name, nothing to be proud of and mostly I am ashamed to have been fired by a job that I probably would have hated anyways. I am not going to lie, I want to run home because it is safe, it is comfortable, and mostly it is free. I feel sorry for myself for even thinking that way. Nonetheless yesterday when I was an older friend's birthday, her family was asking what I do for a living. I don't have an answer and that gut wrenches me. I can say I have a videography business, but I am not even truly proud of myself for what I don't know in that as well. I feel like I am sliding backwards. My skin doesn't look the same to me in the mirror as it once did.

I know myself, but I don't recognize myself at the same time. I know this feels big right now, that this is the year of turning point in my life. That Koolaid and structure that I lead my life with, depended on my success around and needed to feel worthy, no longer feels right to me and I feel shame for it, and ultimately stuck in a life I no longer want to compete in. I moved to this city with big dreams, now those dreams are no longer what I see, but is still remain here, just trying to figure out how to deal with what I signed up for without hurting everyone else with my dissonance around me.