I Got A Confession To Make

Hello my lovelies, I hope we are all well and doing our best as always. I confess I am not, and I am struggling. If anyone actually does read this, just know I'm about to open up my heart and soul so please be kind.

Today. Tuesday 16th May 2023. I cried in the GP's office when she told me I have an eating disorder. This unfortunately is not news to me. I've always been underweight, but not like this. Today's appointment just confirmed everything I have always known and has forced me to face the cold harsh truth. If I don't eat properly, my heart is going to give up and I will die.

I'm terrified, ashamed, and devastated. Last year I worked so hard to gain weight and I was doing really well until the cost of living hit. I slipped straight back into nip-picking eating and drinking coffee to dull the hunger and sickness since then, I have spiraled. Sometimes I won't eat a good meal for at least three-to-four days just to make sure my son has plenty.

But it's not just the cost that is the problem. It's also my relationship with food. I think it began when I was about four or five years old when I choked on a little bit of fatty bacon. I was scared to eat bacon after that I didn't so until a decade later. I was teased for it during that time, and I think this was the very seed that planted my hesitance towards eating food. I'm just really really good at not eating.

Throughout my whole life, I have had numerous people tell me I am too skinny. Certain comments still re-play in my head, like on a break at work and someone randomly felt the need to tell me; 'my boyfriend would find you disgusting, like a bag of bones,' or that time in English when someone I was sitting next to asked 'Do you not eat? Your skinnier than holocaust victims,' I was 12.

My cerebral palsy doesn't help my case either, as I use three times the amount of energy than that of an able-bodied person. Imagine every time you walk down the stairs, for me I've done it three times. I burn food a lot quicker and such have a fast metabolism. A combination of all these things have led me to this appointment today. Last year I wrote an article Nikki Grahame Saved My Life, and for me that’s when I first acknowledged my eating disorder. After today, I cannot help but feel a defeat, loss and I’ve let everyone down - especially my little boy.

People just think ah you just gotta eat but just it’s not that simple. It’s nothing to do with weight loss (for me), it’s more to do with the fact I’m hungry with no appetite. When I do have an appetite, I make something I really enjoy, and sometimes I would a) run out of energy to even eat or b) half way through eating my body wants to throw up the food despite the fact I’m enjoying it. It doesn’t always happen, but when it does it’s usually meat that does it. I’m so grateful there’s more plant based food now. Once I was halfway through a medium rare rump steak and again throughly enjoying the meal until suddenly the little voice in my head reminds me that “YOU ARE EATING A DEAD COW!”

And that’s it. Game over.

Not eating alone helps especially when there’s a slight conversation or whatever is on the TV is actually quite interesting for once. Some say it’s mind over matter but in my case it’s mind over stomach.

Today marks a day of change and recovery. Wish me luck. 🍀

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Stay safe, stay hopeful and stay blessed ☺️