I Didn't Want to Be Better, Just Better Than You

Section 1: Author Intro and Back Story

According to my perception, I had a reputation as an outcast in high school. Therefore, I didn’t think much of continuing my loner status through my college years and into my late 40s.

So how’d trying to be myself work out for me?

Relationships with family, romantic friendships, and my career suffered at the hands of expressing my authentic self. That’s at least how I’d like to think in my head how it went.

The truth is, I don’t think anyone ever cared who I was, but I did worry they might. Despite this self-consciousness, I pressed on with my efforts to not abandon myself.

Staying true to myself did not come without a price, however. I never got married or had kids despite societal and maternal pressure, for example. I’m now 47. It also caused me to live in poverty for most of my adult life.

I didn’t want to wait until I was 70 years old to have integrity. However, I reviewed Erik Erikson’s “Stages of Psychosocial Development” taught in high school sociology class. Apparently, I skipped a few steps on the path to becoming the “real me.” Was it worth it?

“Should I not be myself?” I often wondered.

Thankfully, people as of 2021 have realized after about 20 years of pretending on social media that it’s better to put you out there starring as yourself, not another actor. Don’t try to be like anyone else. Just be you, and do “you.”

I’m grateful for this newfound epiphany – that lying on social media will not help you produce the life you want.

It also will not convince anyone that they can become better people, find the love of their lives, and achieve their dreams. However, this doesn’t change that I still have unresolved issues and unanswered questions.

So Many Questions Still Unanswered – But why?

Becoming the authentic me remains a priority, but it doesn’t mean I have resolved all my issues. I also haven't yet found answers to some of life’s most challenging questions.

When I say I haven’t got all the answers, by the way, it doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t provided me any solutions.

Instead, I’m referring to how the answers people gave me haven’t materialized themselves into results yet.

I’m still trying to be the best self I can be while recognizing that I have not mastered applying most of the advice given to me.

None of what faith ministers, motivational speakers, family, or friends told me sunk in, and I’m in my late 40s. Why is that?

That’s what I have yet to discover, but I have at least an idea to share with you in a minute. First, here’s the questions I still have.

How can I convince my target audience that they can achieve their goals if I haven’t achieved mine yet?

What good would I be to others struggling in relationships if I still have unresolved issues?

How can I motivate poor people if I’m still poor?

How do I prove my faith works if I still have the same challenges as everyone else?

Do I have to wait until I am in the “afterlife” to reap the rewards of my beliefs like some "religions" preach?

I have some insight into why I still have unfulfilled dreams and goals. Before I share that, I will reveal the answers to questions I used to have. At least I did resolve a few issues in the past 30 years.

What was really the point of all my differentness?

It's hard to put into words how much of an outcast I feel like sometimes. I've always been "different" from other people, and sometimes, it brings on loneliness and depression. However, if I was going to not be like everyone else, I wanted to make it count.

I aspired to be like one of those motivational speakers, faith preachers, or financial gurus who apparently had a huge breakthrough and became rich. However, it wasn’t about making millions of dollars or more – not that I would mind that at all.

My most profound aspiration centered on a desire to offer others that felt trapped, helpless or alone some hope. I wanted them, including people who have a disability -- ones living on a Social Security income, to believe they don’t have to live in poverty.

After all, it has happened to a man that could barely move a muscle in his body besides his eyelids after a plane crash. It took Morris Goodman several years to recover, but he managed to become a world-renowned speaker. So what about me?

Why haven’t I achieved an inner breakthrough or financial success?

I’m not physically disabled, by the way. However, I have other problems that do make life challenging. Unresolved anger still prevails, and it probably has done the most damage to my life.

Depression and anxiety combined with post-traumatic issues from childhood abuse still affect me to this day too.

However, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I’m just letting you know, so you understand. I feel frustrated with not having overcome these things yet because I do want to help others.

The Good News Is…

I haven't given up despite not achieving the breakthroughs or financial success I hoped I would. Skip to the end of this story to find out what my good news is now or be patient and read this entire story. It's your choice -- no hard feelings.

Either way, I hope you’ll find the next section entitled “The Futile Quest for a Cure That Doesn’t Exist” interesting if you continue reading and not skip to the end.

Section 2: The Futile Quest for “The Cure”

This isn’t about what religion to follow or what church to go to. It isn’t about whether you should believe various scripture writings out there or not. I’m also not going to tell you what deity you should worship – or if you should worship any being or thing at all.

Instead, I provide an illustration based on my futile quest to find a cure for all my problems. I hope you feel a little less alone in your quest to battle your own personal demons. For me, it’s a precursor to becoming my authentic self.

Since the 1990s, I vacillated between despair and faith. I jumped from one fellowship group to another, got involved in church volunteer work, fasted and prayed, and did all kinds of good works. However, I didn’t feel like much better of a person in 2004 than I did by 1995.

I discovered there must be more to this “faith walk” than just putting up a front but still reacting in anger at people in private.

By 2005, I decided to take a break from volunteering and take care of myself. I also thought I would become closer to the one I always believed in and worshipped during this time. Unfortunately, I instead started fornicating and getting drunk. This pattern lasted about 17 years.

Even during my attempts to return to my faith from 2009-2021, I felt discouraged. I never did end up finding “the cure.” However, I finally started to discover what held me back from becoming my authentic self.

I further demonstrate in the next example, which explains where I went wrong with my family. The instance involves me trying to tell them for the first time why I won’t celebrate Christmas anymore.

Where I Went Wrong With My Family

In 2013, I started searching online for more information about the history of certain days of the year most Americans celebrate. In the process, I experienced a range of emotions from inner peace and euphoria to fear of what my family would think if I decided not to observe Christmas anymore.

By December 2014, I announced my news of “no more Christmas” to my family in the most awful way possible. If you read the following text conversation, it won’t take long for you to figure out where I went wrong and why my family reacted the way they did. By the way, I replaced the family member names with #1, #2 and #3 to conceal their identity.

Family Member #1 said, "Merry Christmas."

I replied, "Actually...I'd like to keep the Christ but throw away the "mas". That's the only way we can get away from worshipping as the Pagans do."

Family Member #2 said, "To quote the great Ebenezer Scrooge, I'll keep Christmas in my way and you can keep it in yours."

Family Member #3 said, "Don't send me this bull****!"

Was I even ready to give up Christmas?

First off, my family probably was used to me acting like a hypocrite. I often tried to stick to my convictions, but it never lasted long. I didn’t even realize in my own heart how long it could take me to let go of a celebration time that I always held dear.

Little did I know that at that time I would endure about eight more years of confusion. For instance, I spent months just trying to figure out which one of the six Hebrew variations of “The Savior” and “Heavenly Father’s” name was in Hebrew. Looking back, I consider it nothing but a waste of time.

Some of my studies confused me more and caused me to think of more questions:

Are people who use the name of Jesus all following a different deity than me?

Why is there so much division in every church regardless of denomination?

Where is the love in all of this?

I would give you the answers to those questions, but I admit to not having any. The good news is, I did find a loving way to help my family understand the direction my spiritual walk has taken as of 2021.

Section 3: The Love Letter to My Family and Conclusion

Copy of Text Sent On November 28, 2021, With minor Edits

--->The good news:

The spiritual path I am on, believe it or not, does require me to go camping at least once a year for a few days every fall. 😁 There is an event called Feast of Tabernacles that I will observe. I am finally planning to do it fall of 2022 for the 1st time ever.

If you don't know what Feast of Tabernacles is, I'm sure the "Big G" (Google) can help you out with that. LOL

---->>Other plans for just non-religious "fun"

I plan to also reserve an extra night at a campsite either before or after Feast of Tabernacles. It will be easier for me to just do that at the same campground as the event.

If it all works out according to plan, I will let you know when and where in advance.

I am also willing to make time for anyone anytime as long as we can fit it into our schedules.

--->My schedule on weekends:

In the winter, I do sometimes have Saturday nights off after dark and all-day Sunday for fun stuff. In the summer, I might have Friday evenings instead of Saturday evenings for fun at least until before sundown. Unless I'm working that evening.

---->The sad news and other updates:

Several years ago, I started researching scripture more for answers. I hadn't resolved everything but since then wrestled with whether or not to continue observing certain days such as Christmas or Easter.

And I know my approach was totally wrong in how I told you that I may no longer observe those days. And I do apologize. I also am staying away from people on FB who want to drag me into foolish religious arguments.

This is not an easy decision, but I will instead be following other observances that I learned about since 2013. It has to do with the way the Israelites used to observe before the spread of Christianity.

It still recognizes the savior and Father but involves an entirely different set of customs. Apparently, 1st century believers in the Messiah still followed them.

So please don't feel bad if you don't see me for a while. I still want to see you when possible. It's a personal decision that not everyone will understand or agree with, but this is the choice I have decided to make.

I love you and hope to see you again soon.

Julie

I’m getting closer to revealing to you the good news. Scroll to the end to read about it instead of continuing to read the next section if you want. Again, I would have no hard feelings either way. I know this is long.

Why I am I no better of a person now than 30 years ago?

Like I already mentioned, I finally did have an epiphany this past week. You can skip to the end to view that if you want or keep reading.

Trying to answer why I’m no better of a person than I was 30 years ago (early 1990s) brings up more unanswered questions.

Were all my efforts to master emotional and financial breakthroughs all in vain?

Should I have just tried harder to fit in and be just like everyone else and just get a job?

What faith path, religion or doctrine should I follow?

These questions arise because I’ve been self-employed for about half my life. During the recession, I began to feel helpless when the economy tanked only two years into my writing career.

Eventually, I did reach a compromise with going back to work part-time and still getting paid to write. Unfortunately, that wasn’t until after I had already become a financial burden to my mom, my uncle, friends and boyfriends.

Worse than that, I’ve never yet had a successful relationship. I don’t want to be a total downer, however. Now, I finally share my good news.

My Good News – One Answer I Finally Do Have

I never wanted to be a better person. I just wanted to be better than you.

I wanted to be better than my mom, dad and brothers, and more superior to my friends. Don’t forget wanting to impress old high school classmates, some of which who probably labeled me a total “loser.”

How can that possibly be good news, you might ask?

It frees me from worrying about what other people count as success. I finally have let go of the need to live other peoples’ lives and finally began to live my own.

So now what?

For 2022 and beyond, I resolved to become better than the person I was in 2021 -- not better than you or anyone else.

This means no more comparing myself to others, in that I don’t care if I’m in my late 40s and never had children or have been married yet.

I’m also not going to worry about what other people think if I live in a shoebox apartment. All I care about is achieving stability and peace. Aside from still hoping I won’t have to be alone the rest of my life, nothing else matters anymore.