I Didn’t know.

The years that I didn’t know that I was me. I use to go through life thinking that being abused was normal. This line of thinking used to frustrate me, irritate me, and it was the norm in my world. I found out later that it wasn’t the norm. It was just something that I had to heal from alone without too many people around me except for my inner cycle. I grew up not knowing who I was. I grew up with all the wrong mindsets of who I thought I was supposed to be. Living in the vicious cycle of constantly wondering if I am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, are my breast is the right size, do I have a flat ass? Just all of the crazy and negative things that go with not knowing who you are as a person.

I didn’t know so many things.

When a child becomes an adult, it is challenging to realize that they have been brainwashed for years. The abuser wants the victim to feel all these negative things to have some form of control still. What the abuser doesn’t bank on is the victim fighting back. No one wants to become a victim of certain things, but sometimes in life we are just forced into terrible situations that are out of our control. The real question is, what do you do once you have found yourself in bad condition? I know for myself that when you are a child, you are limited to protecting yourself from these violent offenders. I know that it is not easy to stand up and fight back, but you have to fight back for your own life.

I didn’t know that I was good enough.

I still have to fight my inner thoughts over myself because the trauma of my past pains still haunts me to this day. I never thought that I would be good enough just being me, and in the end, this is all that should matter. How you feel about yourself first is always the most important thing you have. It is easy to overcome some issues that we face, but it is possible to heal from all of this junk that the world has placed in our paths. Every day I am constantly speaking positive thoughts over myself because if I don’t, not too many others will.

I didn’t know that I had a voice.

When your voice is taken from you, it makes this lifes journey a little challenging because you know that no one else cares or wants to hear what you have to say. I found out years later that others want to listen to what I have to say because I am a good person. I have learned that I have many voices that speak to me on the inside, ensuring that I stay focused on what I am trying to accomplish in my life. Despite the past, I know now that I am what I say I am. My writing platform is the perfect place for me to do these things. I say this because there are so many other people out here in this world that have gone through similar issues as I did. Now that I have found my voice again, I am no longer afraid of what others may think about what is coming from my heart.

I didn’t know that I had courage.

My inner courage was not easy to come across. I have to spend plenty of long nights crying over things that I knew were never changing. I found out that some of the people in my inner circle back then could not change me for me they had to change themselves for them. My courage was so shot that I started isolating myself from others. I was slowly forcing myself not to speak too much, becoming mute in my mind and verbally. I figured that if I did not say another word, the other person who was causing me the pain would eventually get the clue and change their ways.

As you can see, I have learned that you can only change yourself, not anyone else. If you allow people to take your courage about you away, then you have already lost that battle. The question now is, how do you regain your courage? The answer to this is so simple, yet it is so hard to do. Speaking up for your injustice is supposed to be challenging but not hard enough for you not to overcome. Yeah, you will get resistance from those trying to take your courage but don’t stop. Keep speaking up for yourself, and you will see that you control everything in your world.

I didn’t know that I had strength.

I knew that I had strength when I was a child, but when you have an adult who is constantly taking your innocence away from you, it makes it hard to see what your inner strength is anymore. Deep down, I always knew that I was a fighter and the abuser knows this fact about you, but they also never plan on you taking action to save yourself from their bull shit. I don’t give a damn if it is family, friends, or co-workers. You have to keep your strength in check, not so much for others but yourself.

I didn’t know that I had wisdom beyond my years.

I didn’t know that I was not someone else’s stepping stool.

I didn’t know that I wasn’t someone else’s punching bag, verbally, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise.

It is just so much that I didn’t know, and because of all those I didn’t know’s, now I know.