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I cry

by Emile Clark 6 months ago in Humanity · updated 6 months ago

You stupid motherfucker, I cry

I cry
Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

I hate. With all my heart I hate. The unfairness that has been my life. When, no matter what you do, you can't win. I hate and I cry. I let myself cry over the emotional wounds that have been hiding beneath my surface perfection for the last 40 years. My robot slave self, doing what I was told, always. Never being allowed to speak, have an opinion, express truth, or have a god-damn preference. Silence child, shut up and obey was my life and so now, I cry. Tired of the insults and injury. Taking them all, with such grace, such courage, and such ignorance. Because I did not know any other way. Nobody ever taught me. Nobody ever showed me grace. Nobody ever showed me love.

They showed me discord. They showed me duty. They showed me do what you're told or else. And the or else part came whether I liked it or not, whether I agreed with it or not, whether I did or did not do it the way THEY WANTED. It always came. The rage. The disapproval. The humiliation in front of people I knew and people that I didn't. The hateful sneers. The look. The beatings. I am numb because of these things. I am triggered. Because of these things. So I let myself cry.

40 years is a long time to never shed a tear. You get good at soldiering on. Pretending. Always trying to gain someone's approval. But it would never come. How could it? You taught me I wasn't worth loving. You taught me I was NEVER EVER GOOD ENOUGH. You taught me, that no matter what I did, I would never succeed. And the world followed suit.

I cry because my life had been taken from me. I cry because I tried so hard, I loved so gutturally, I gave my all to people who used me and abused me.

I cry, because I never had a chance to be the human I was supposed to be, had I been loved or taught with any sort of wisdom.

I cry when things don't work out for me because they never do. Never in a grand way. Because you never let me be, grand. I'm numb.

This is the time I have to take because the trauma stored inside of me has been lying dormant for 40 years and physical symptoms of distress and chaos are starting to appear. I have no choice. I have to cry.

I have no joy or desire because I'm stunned at what my life has been and how detrimental the programs in my brain are. The programs put there by you and everyone else after you. I cry because I have to. I cry because I mourn the loss of myself, the loss of my potential. I cry because my body mind and soul won't allow anything else. It wants this darkness out of me or I will die.

I cry because you've left me no choice and it's the only way to break the cycle. I cry because I never had before and if I had, there wouldn't have been any comfort, just like there isn't now.

The Universe responds to what you made me believe about myself. I attract what you are and were, it feels comfortable to me. Abuse.

I cry because breaking patterns is hard as hell and this isn't where I want to be in my life. This isn't who I want to be. A crybaby. But I am injured, I am deeply wounded and you just don't get over something like that. 40 years of abusive slavery, you don't just get over something like that. You don't just brush it under the rug. You fix it. You cry and you fix it.

It's not something I'm proud of. All of these non-welcomed emotions but it's my reality. I can't choose anything else, so I let myself cry until it's healed.


Emile Clark

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