I Am Newly 45

I know when I was younger that I thought people in their 40’s and 50’s lacked style and were old. And now I sit in my high-waisted mom jeans (that are on-trend, by the way) and wonder if I am that old bag? I am the same age my mom was when she became a grandma to my son and then died 10 short years later.

Life seems magnified by death as you get older. People from high school are faced with a cancer diagnosis, alcoholism, suicide-you name it.

I become more hesitant to go out at night. I wonder if something is on sale and I get a little more anxious than I used to in large crowds. Is it lived experience that makes us wise or makes us scared shitless?

I am more aware of my surroundings than I was at a younger age. I think more or should I say I overthink more and I can hardly drive with my lead-footed husband anymore without shrieking from the passenger side.

Mellow out lady. I can hear you saying and yes I’ve got some CBD and some menopause supplements that are working just fine thank you very much.

I see older women now and appreciate their insight. I value their life experience and wisdom but know that I am not going to see them out at the club. And trust me I am in bed with a strict 9 pm bedtime.

I was that wild and crazy young thing and now I have raised kids and wondering about my twilight years. When did this happen?

I got sober at 21 years of age and have now been sober over that amount of time. It’s surreal really, but my life still has gone by in a blur and I hope I have done enough. I have fulfilled my lifelong dream of writing a memoir about recovery and addiction. I have mothered and married, I have faced the deaths of my parents and wonder what is next for me.

I sometimes wonder if because my arms aren’t as toned as they once were if I am irrelevant? Once we hit a certain age are we seen as old and therefore not hip, cool, or worthy?

I ask these questions because of my own prior biases. I know ageism is a thing especially when it comes to women.

If I went out dancing would I be seen as a cougar?

Will I ever be seen as attractive again?

Are my best years behind me?

What do I have to look forward to?

Will I be old and senile before I know it?

Will I start repeating myself and talking about things I used to deem as useless?

Will my hormones overtake me and will I dry up like an old prune?

As you can see I am clearly worried about getting older. It only goes up from here and I am inching closer to 50. I realize that growing older is a gift, I lost a close friend at 35 and I constantly think of how lucky I am, but also how scared I am to lose my relevance. My prowess. My sharpness. My ability to be quick-witted and fun and not such a worrywart.

I miss my free spirit and am wondering how to get it back. I am such a bore lately. I am such an old lady lately. If age is just a number what do I need to do to feel younger in my spirit?

Sign up for some pole dancing when pickleball is more my speed?

Listen to pop when acoustic is more my vibe?

Keep up on celebrity gossip when I’d much rather curl up with a memoir?

I am clearly at a loss, but if you have any tips on how to keep a good woman’s body parts facing up versus down I am all ears.