I am a Toxic Person's Toxic Person.

I am toxic.

I have read the criteria and that declaration is certifiably, verifiably, and justifiably the truth.

Feel free to hate me. It's ok. I must deserve it.

This is NO joke.

Toxicity is THE hate label of the 2020 decade.

I have never been more serious.

I have researched and read the criteria as described in many different and respectable sources (such as the below by WebMD.com) and I can assure you - I really do tick each and every one of the boxes when it comes to warning signs.

1. You feel like you are being manipulated into something you don’t want to do. – I am THE most encouraging person you will ever meet in your life. If you have the potential, I will help you realise it. If that isn't manipulation I don't know what is?!!

2. You’re constantly confused by the person’s behaviour. – I am the QUEEN of the cognitive itch. I sound posh but I am not. I act like I am really young, but I am nearing middle age. I have suffered from serious illnesses (couple of cases of cancer) but I can party all night. I love my own company, but you can pop round any time. If that isn't mixed up I don't know what is?!

3. You always have to defend yourself to this person. – I am assertive. I say what I mean. I am compassionate and I am constructive, but I will not compromise myself for a lie or bad grace. This has certainly given rise to some defensive behaviour from others over the years.

4. You never feel fully comfortable around them. – I have literally been told that I am too happy, and being around such indefatigable happiness is uncomfortable.

5. You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence. – Again, yes, I have had this too. Somebody told me that I am too optimistic and it made them feel bad.

6. You feel you deserve an apology that never comes - When I look at all the above I can see that some people over the years would have preferred me to excuse myself and crawl away into a hole.

I sound exhausting!

So you see, you are free to hate me... I live and breathe ALL the warning signs.

I understand that you will want nothing more to do with me now.

I have had it before... I can take it... in fact... if I am totally honest... If you feel that way I would quite like you to cut any chords with me.

What?

Oh wait... I forgot to mention... this is a true story!

Over the years I really have lost a number of friends and I can honestly say that I am not sad about any of them leaving. I get it. I am, after all.... toxic... remember?

Here, however, is the rub...

So were they.

I may be toxic but I am not an idiot.

Let's get all that criteria again and look at it through a lens coloured with a bit more self-esteem....

1. You feel like you are being manipulated into something you don’t want to do. – Yes... I did feel like I had to change my likes and dislikes around some people because my free-spirited nuttiness didn't fit their world view.

2. You’re constantly confused by the person’s behaviour. – They seemed like nice people why did they want to change me? Could I not be myself?

3. You always have to defend yourself to this person. – Had I done something wrong? Please tell me what I did? Why aren't you talking to me? Give me something to defend myself about.

4. You never feel fully comfortable around them. – Hello judgement. Which line should I walk down today? No I am not tidy enough, nope I have no idea what designer bag that is...

5. You continually feel bad about yourself in their presence. – I shall just stay here, at the edge of everything and be quiet. Less intrusive that way.

6. You feel you deserve an apology that never comes - Why have you avoided me? Bad mouthed me? Disowned me? What have I done?

AHA!

They were toxic!!!

Well... now we get to the it's complicated bit. According to the criteria yes they could be. However, according to the criteria... so am I.

Maybe, two wrongs make a right?

Maybe... or maybe... none of us were toxic.

The term "TOXIC" is a powerful expression of hate that has become almost colloquial in its use.

This is not good form.

There are people out there who have struggled with abusive partners, sociopaths, and narcissists. People who have been attacked, bullied, gaslighted, belittled and intimidated by truly nasty people. The victims of this type of behaviour need all the help in the world to get up and walk away without having to justify their actions to anyone.

THESE PEOPLE ARE THE VICTIMS OF TOXIC BEHAVIOUR.

My old friends and I... we just fell out. We started to walk down different paths. That isn't toxic, that is life.

None of us deserve to be called toxic.

It hurts and, worse, it delegitimises it's actual use.

I try every day to be the best I can be. Many, many people do. None of us deserve to be called a name so nasty just because we are misunderstood or out of step with the prevailing "tribe vibe". Being uncomfortable around others is a part of life, it is symptomatic of diversity, we will never all be completely in step with each other, all we can do is learn to understand our differences and appreciate them for what they are.

Throughout our lives we will change, we will come across good people whose company we struggle with. Find the confidence to compassionately tell them how you feel without resorting to ghosting because if you are cutting people out of your life without explanation... it is likely that it is NOT because they are toxic but because you don't know how to competently navigate the end of a relationship. Respect yourself enough to learn because if you do resort to ghosting you are already a good few rungs up the bullying ladder.

Not a place most of us ever want to think of ourselves as being.