I Almost Failed my First Year of College

Nearly ten years ago, I moved away from home to go to college for engineering. I was going to be living on campus in one of the dorms. I was both excited and nervous about being away from home for the first time. I also knew engineering was a very challenging and competitive program, and that made me a little nervous. However, I was a hard worker, and I had gotten good grades in high school, so I thought I would be okay.

What happened next can only be described as a nightmare. No matter how much I studied, or how hard I worked, I wasn’t understanding a lot of the course content. When my peers would go out on weekends, I would sit alone in my dorm room and study. I would eat all my meals alone in my room, to maximize the amount of time I had to study and do all of my homework assignments.

With every exam that was graded and returned, a little piece of my soul was destroyed. I failed all of them. It’s hard to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and be motivated to study, when you are failing every single test you take. I was feeling so stressed and sad, and hopeless. Studying more wasn’t helping, and I didn’t know what to do. I was so embarrassed. If I couldn’t figure something out myself, I would feel stupid. I wouldn’t ask my friends or any of my professors for help, because I didn’t want them to think I was stupid. Instead I would spend hours and hours trying to understand, eventually giving up without ever understanding. My confidence was destroyed.

By some miracle, I passed the first semester. But barely. I had done well on the assignments, reports, and presentations, which helped to boost my grades. The courses I was in were also curved, which essentially just meant that how well I did in comparison to the rest of the class was taken into account when grades were assigned.

The second semester was pretty much a repeat of the first. I threw myself into school, and ignored the outside world. Looking back, I think I got myself to a point where I was just completely burnout. I thought that if I worked harder, I would do better, and as a result, I didn’t take very good care of myself. I wasn’t getting enough sleep or exercise, and wasn’t eating very healthy. I didn’t socialize or do anything fun. I just kept studying and studying.

Again, I passed that semester, but just barely. At this point, I was exhausted and felt broken. I was humiliated that I had done so poorly. I couldn’t even imagine what my high school teachers would think if they saw my transcripts. I had enjoyed learning the content in my courses, but no matter how hard I tried and how much effort I put in, I just wasn’t doing a good enough job. I started to question what was wrong with me. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be there.

But for some reason that I have never been able to explain to myself or to anyone else, I stayed. I just had a gut feeling that I belonged in engineering, and that I needed to persevere.

When it came time for me to go back for second year, I was extremely apprehensive. Scared, might even be a better word. I didn’t want a repeat of the previous year. My grades, my mental and physical health, and my confidence had all suffered. So I implemented several key changes in my life. I moved off campus, and rented a room in a house with some roommates. I got tutors for courses with which I was really struggling. When I was working on homework problems, or studying, and I came across something I didn’t understand, I would give myself ten minutes to try and figure it out. If I couldn’t figure it out in that time I would flag it to ask my friends, tutors, or professors at a later time.

I also started taking better care of myself. I would ensure that I got at least eight hours of sleep each night. If that meant that I didn’t finish a homework assignment, then I didn’t finish the homework assignment. I started eating healthier as well. I would cook all my own food, and meal prep for the week on Sundays. I also started regularly exercising. I found yoga videos on YouTube, and would do them in my bedroom when I needed break.

The outcome of my second year was that I finished with a 4.0 GPA. This was one of the proudest moments of my life. From there, as I progress through my degree, I maintained very high GPAs, and received numerous scholarships and awards. When it finally came time to graduate, I was second in my class! After graduation, I got my dream job, and most recently, I purchased my first house. These are all things for which I am incredibly proud.

I used to look back on my first year of college, and feel embarrassed. However, I have since realized that I am grateful that I had this experience, as it has helped me become the person I am today. I have learned that working hard is valuable, and will get me far in life, but only as long as I take care of myself and create boundaries. I have learned the value of resilience, and how to come back stronger after experiencing setbacks. But perhaps the greatest lesson of all, was that I learnt that I am my biggest asset, and that taking care of myself is an investment.