How life is

Honestly, life sucks, I was going to write something too personal that happened recently, but I decided not to, because it is too recent honestly, and every time I think of what happened I just want to cry and hate myself more for what happened. So, I am going to put this put this out there; you don't know what happens behind closed doors, and when someone shows no interest in talking to you or being around you then you shouldn't continue to talk to them or be around them, they have their reasons.

Not many people know what I am talking about, only maybe tops 8 people know what I am talking about, and when I am ready to tell what happened I just might, but until then, I will continue to hide away again, and only work, because life isn't as easy as it seems. I am going to be working more than ever now because I need to work away the memories, I have of what happened.

I keep telling myself that things happen in life and there is nothing anyone can do to change it but honestly if I would have just done one thing differently then everything that happened would have ended differently or maybe it wouldn't have. Who knows? I mean I will never know, but I can think about it, and even though I cannot change what happened, I do know it made me stronger, and realize even more that you truly shouldn't trust anyone, and for that I may never trust another person.

Although it is painful to think about what happened it has made it where I have gotten to more work done since I have been working to keep it off of my mind, but then when I think about it, it makes me work more, and get more things done, just because I want to work until I forget about it; I mean it doesn't work but at least it helps me get what I need to done.

I keep saying I am okay, but I'm not, clearly. I just want to hide away and never see another soul, but I can't tell anyone that because then they will know something is wrong, and that's not what I want. I will be okay, I have to be okay, and that is what I keep telling myself, every day now.

Since, my past wasn't enough pain, someone else had to make sure that I feel the pain physically and mentally for as long as it haunts me.

The thing is, this person was supposed to be a friend, but I only ended up being left in pain, and so when I say the people that harmed me the most were not strangers, but they were people I was growing to trust, it isn’t a lie or an understatement, the people I love and trust, or began to trust are the ones that have always left me with more pain than any stranger could or would be able to.

Everyone always tells me to forgive the people that left me with pain, but for this one I truly think that it is unforgiveable, or inexcusable. Nothing in the world will ever change the way I feel about it or make the pain from this go away.

Nothing anyone could ever say will change the way that I feel, or take the pain away, nothing will ever make me forgive myself, for what happened, and even though I keep hearing “It’s not your fault that it happened” will never make me feel different because I know that one phone call or one text, or one different move that day would have made a world of difference, so no maybe it isn’t my fault, but I didn’t do anything different to keep it from happening.

No matter what I go through in life I will always be okay, I have to be okay. What people don’t realize is when I am not feeling okay, or I want to give up I remember I am here every day. I have to be okay because of my little boy, he is watching me every day, and I want him to know that even when I am struggling, he is my reason to keep going and to be okay.

Life is always going to be a struggle, and there will be times that there will be nothing but pain, and heartaches, and that is just a part of life, but there are some things that happen in life that just shouldn’t happen, but people do things they shouldn’t just to harm others. Life is just hard, and sometimes we want to give up on life because of how crappy and hard it is but we got to keep moving.

There’s only so much some people can take but if they don’t give up when life gets tough then they can get through the easy things in life; although nothing is easy in life, at least they can get through the times in life that are not so tough.

I know that whatever life throws my way I will get through it with a smile, a few tears, maybe some blood, and a lot of hard work. Nothing will bring me down in life, I know that whatever obstacle I come to in live I will get through, because I have for the last 19 years of my life.

There is nothing in life that will stop me from being happy and continuing on with my life, no matter how hard it is, or it gets. I will keep on smiling, and being happy no matter how hard it is, and how much I want to give up. I will just have to show people that want to harm me in any way that they cannot bring me down, because I will not allow them too, I will just keep smiling and moving forward with my life, with or without them in my life.

On the days that I want to give up I remember why I won’t and why I truly don’t want to, and that is because I want my son to know that he can do anything in life as long as he never gives up on what he wants to do. I will be okay, and I will continue to love who I am because, I am a strong person, not that I have a choice, but it is what it is I suppose.

Life wasn’t ever meant to be easy, but you can make it harder if you choose to, but me as a person I will continue to try and make it as easy as possible on myself and get through life with a smile upon my face. I know there will be days that I just want to give up and call it quits, but on those days, I will just put in a little more effort to be happy.