How can I, today?

Today is a day of confessions. Today I pour out my heart. Today, well today, I am not okay. Today, I’m not sure what I even am.

Being human is truly a paradox. Humans are free, yet confined. Humans believe in an entity that loves everyone, yet the same humans hate others on such an ugly level. Humans save the earth, and destroy it. Humans smile, even when their souls are being crushed.

How can I, today, look at a teenager who claims they love me, who just recently put my family in danger? Whose actions put my friendship and my partnership in jeopardy. Someone who emotionally scarred their little sister to the point that she’ll probably never get over it.

How can I, today, look at myself in the mirror as a mother who will probably never bear another child? Myself, who wants to feel those little kicks and the pain of labor. Myself who started with no one, can no longer produce little ones to shower with love.

How can I, today, split my love between four children? Two of my own, one who is sick. One who hurt me on a level that I didn’t think was possible. One who is so, so special, but doesn’t understand the pain that her words bring.

How can I, today, cause myself and my family more pain and heartache? There are eight days left with two children that I can not allow interacting in a very small house. Eight days left where I’m still healing from a life-sustaining surgery, and I fear for the safety of my own. Eight days struggling to meet the demands of many different personalities.

How can I, today, tell my best friend that her daughter has hurt me in a way that I will never be able to forgive? How can I tell her that her children are keeping us prisoners in our own house? How can I tell her that her children are causing me to miss meals, showers, and sleep? She would hate me forever. Everyone always lets her down. She worries about her kids safety, but forgets to add my kids to the mix. How can I be Wonder Woman, when in reality, I’m just a plastic bag in the wind. At home, they have many adults to help. Here, it’s me and him, but mostly me so he can worry about the bills.

How can I, today, stop for one moment, hating my environment? When all I need is the four of us, because all other people do is hurt me. When today, I wish I wasn’t everyone else’s rock, because right now, I need one. How can I, today, keep myself pushing when all I want to do is fall. When I am so hurt but nobody cares. How am I supposed to choose between the people that I love? They never told me to choose, but it’s clear that they want me to, and I don’t want to.

How can I, today, love my own children, when the only place I can really be is my bedroom with a special needs child who needs to be separated from her older, more dangerous sister? Who can’t even look at her older sibling without crying in fear? My room is the only place for her to be where she’s not anywhere near her sister who is grounded to my son's room. My room is the most dangerous room in the house (medicine, sharp objects, my half empty bottle of Moscato). My children are too young to stay still so they can not be in my room. How do I do this? I’m scared.