Highway Bloody Robbery

*record scratch*

*freeze frame*

Yup, that's me,

...that's me between the shitty silver ford station wagon that looks like it had a stroke on account of not being right since I hit that fuckin roo years ago and the Victorian Police Officer. I'm the tall handsome cunt in the Viagra Boys T-Shirt, black shorts and thongs, long thick grey whispy hair tied back (all that was true except handsome!), but I am the cool one in the scene (smiley). The cop is dressed like a cop but he has a ticket book curled over professionally like a lion standing over a freshly killed antelope in a desert somewhere else some other time and/or place. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation, please allow me to continue...

...I wrote a piece for Vocal a while back as some type of hippy reconciliation symbolism to the dickhead me that lost his license for six months prior for a number of unrelated speeding offences AND continued to drive every day in this stupid imitation of some dumb fuckery or what ever it was a quandary the guy was a wreck blah blah... Well eventually I got caught and with three weeks to go until I was supposed to get my license back. It went a little something like this but it was not like that. It was not like that, it was not like this. It was not like anything you've ever seen or know. It was something it was nothing it was the beginning and it was the end, and it drove all day it drove all night and it drove me right round the bend. And now we slip back into another time we slip into another place - somewhere very similar but so very different, sit back, get comfy, I'm not here to put you out in any way shape or form. This is me and this is me and my shit talk strap in drop off get real!

This actually happened on the the 5th of April this year not much has been changed in the retelling of semi tedious tale of woe and yearning. I Drove into an Easter long weekend breath test station in country Victoria just trying to get away for the four day like we always do and believe it or not I was thinking about back-streeting it just seconds earlier. I had checked this on the PC at work that very morning in anticipation of a situ just as this but my own advice was not good enough for me! During one of many lulls something fucked up inside me said it would be a good idea to just front up to the breath testers and come what fuckin may. Well I passed the RBT clean as a whistle. I wouldn't have cleared a drug test but I wasn't stoned, and so the muggins on the tablet called me out just as I was clearing. Took my license which I hadn't handed in anyway and told me they were impounding my car.

"Fuckin what!"

I roared incredulously, I was ropeable at this recent and secretly added additional and nefarious punishment made mandatory for this type of offence.

"A bit fuckin harsh don't ya reckon?"

I asked the copper. He put on his best secret police sneer smile and replied

"If you can't do the time, don't do the crime"

He was as ironic as he was original, this bastion of law and order, my hero, my nemesis.

Nine hundred and six dollars later and a charge of Driving While Suspended. I was able to wave goodbye to my silver piece of shitmobile, my u-boat, my sub as it left heading due south on a flatbed tow truck. I'm lucky my daughter was travelling ahead of me and had stopped and circled around after i had not caught her at the next designated stop (two hundred metres ahead at the IGA supermarket carpark. She laughed as i muttered and shook with an impotent, muppet like fury, mad at the world but mostly at me and my part in it that led to this sorry rivulet in the main tributary that is the story of my life. We loaded most of the shit (or so I thought) out of my car and into hers. I left my sunnies on the dash, a nice pair of polarised Ray Bans because it was overcast and I wasn't wearing them. Still in a daze from them impounding my car I just stood there with my mouth open in disbelief. Gobsmacked I was, clusterfucked and bushwhacked by the thin blue line.

A long story shortened? I lost my shit box junker BA Ford Falcon Station Wagon deathtrap mobile, it ceded to the crown due to overdue allotment fees after it was impounded. The towies stole my sun glasses a power inverter and old rusty jack and all the gold coin i had in my console. Piss weak dog cunts really when ya think about it. I was able to get my other shit out of the car but had left it to long to collect - it had ceeded to the crown cause king fuckin charles needed a shitheap submarine uboat car. What a load of bollocks, god save the king cause those kids wont fucking touch themselves!

I went to court last week to answer the charges of driving while suspended and it went quite well. In light of my car having been welcomed to the machine and the inherent issues and problems this would create for me and by proxy of this, my family from this point forward the judge was acutely lenient and she let me walk with no conviction recorded and no further monetary demands or licentious infringements. I walked from court straight into Vicroads and arranged for them to send me a new and improved license to drive on Australian roads. I boarded the train that day with that self happy smile we share with ourselves when our day goes well.

Not sure what exactly this falls under but true irony is I have been off work since the the days before this happened with my back and getting quite used to be being driven around and basically doing fuck all! It's grouse mate! No instant access to junk foods or fizzy drinks no sugars no fats! So in doing myself no favours I've done myself a dozen worlds of good, it's maybe as it be and if not what you think it should.