Hi Amma

Hi Amma,

We never really talked so much when you were around, did we? Sure, we had loads of moments. We did loads of things together. I would watch you sew, you would watch me try. But we never really talked, I guess. I was always so worried what you would say… if you would approve, if my questions were too silly, if I could just joke. But now that you’re gone, I have a hard time not talking to you.

I know I can be angry sometimes. Well, often. I know you wouldn’t blame me, if you knew how things are now that I don’t have you. Although, sometimes I get really afraid that… you would.

Amma, there’s some things that you should know.

Things didn’t really turn out for me the way you wanted them too. But things are good. I promise. I’m happy. I work really hard, and I still get top grades. By the end of next year, I could technically become a doctor – and I know that that would have made you so proud, if you were still here. I’m not going to, just to be clear. It’s not really my thing. I could. And you would have still been able to tell all of your sisters and all of Abba’s sisters that I could become a doctor. I would always get so embarrassed when you did that, because all my cousins would get really upset that I constantly raised the bar.

Not anymore though.

A lot has happened and I don’t want to worry you. But you need to know, because if you were alive you would want to. And I have to be fair to you. I know we never said it to each other, it just wasn’t in our vernacular, in our vocabulary, and we were always so busy trying to keep the family running smoothly – but I love you. I love you and I miss you every single day. You don’t need to say it back. I know.

Amma, I’m all alone.

Abba really flew off the handle a few years ago and I couldn’t… It was so hard. Everything was so hard and painful and surreal. Because I thought he loved me too, but he just didn’t. I don’t think he loves anyone, but I guess you would know that best of all. We really did make a good team, you and I: making sure all of my brothers and sisters were clean and fed and safe, and making sure Abba was just entertained enough to not constantly – constantly – lose his temper. We might never have been friends, but we were good partners, right? We made the family machine chug along quite smoothly for a while.

Did you die and give me all your strength? Because I don’t know how I’ve made it this far. And I would have done the same thing for you. I would have. Because it was really hard to watch you die. Everyone walked away from us, Amma. But I kept all of your children clean and fed and safe, and I made sure Abba was fairly entertained. For a time. But I couldn’t take it. I didn’t have the stomach to watch him hurt me over and over and over again. I had to make a choice because he wouldn’t stop hurting me, hurting all of us.

Amma, please… please don’t be mad at me.

I don’t think you would be, really, but I get really afraid sometimes. I get really afraid that you died young, left me all your strength and I still wasn’t strong enough to keep our family together – and you would resent me for it.

Do you?

You always liked God, loved Allah. If you’re with him, can you tell him to return my calls? I’m not that overly fond of being ignored. But you already knew that. Amma… I don’t want to just bring you tragic news. I just thought that you deserve to know it. And I guess if the afterlife and all that is real, you kind of would already? But then there wouldn’t really be anything that you didn’t know – and where’s the fun in that?

Amma, I shaved all my hair off last year. You would have hated that. You always loved my hair way more than I ever did.

Amma, I slept with a woman last week for the first time. You definitely would have been conflicted with that news. But I don’t think you would disapprove. You always came around to whatever made me happy in the end.

Amma, I have someone that loves me. Really loves me. And I’m not being stupid, trust me, I’ve been stupid many times before and I know this is not like that. And, no, we aren’t married, but he adores me. And I think you would have really liked him. He’s a lot like you.

You don’t need to worry about me. I promise. I’m clean. I’m fed. I’m safe. And I work hard every day to keep it that way. I don’t know how I’ve made it this far, but I’d like to believe that it has a lot to do with you. Whether or not you gave me your strength, Amma, I’m such a strong person. There isn’t anything in the world hard enough to stop me from getting what I need to be happy. And I hope you rest easy knowing that now. You deserve to rest easy, for all the sacrifices you’ve made. And you should also know that now: my sewing game is better than yours.

With all my love forever,

Fatheha.