Hey Mom, I never told you this before, but...

Hey Mom. I never told you this before, but…

I'm depressed. I'll admit, it took me by surprise. It wasn't necessarily a feeling of being ok one day and then not ok the next. Looking back, I can see that it happened gradually. One day was tough, then another, then another, until I couldn't force myself to get out of bed. The thought of getting up to shower made me retreat even further under the blankets. And food? Food was the worst. Finding whatever remained of week-old meals that had been left in the fridge was absolute torture.

I remember one particular day, I was laying in bed. I had used my 5th sick day in a row because I couldn't even go to work. I felt so ashamed. I cried.

I was lazy.

I was disgusting.

I was useless.

I was worthless.

I remember hating myself that day. I hated how I felt and hated that I couldn't just get up and do what needed to be done.

I screamed at myself. Get up! Just get up! You're a baby! It's not hard! Just get up!

I won't pretend to be brave and strong. That was hell for me. Every day was a battle with myself. A battle with my own brain.

Like people tend to say, things did get better. Just like how the extreme low point surprised me, the high point did too. Again, slowly and gradually, I got out of bed. One day I made food. On another day, I showered. I went back to work. I took it easy. I didn't expect anything of myself. I didn't push myself. I survived each day until it was time to survive the next day.

But mom, you helped me. You don't know that you did, and you probably never will, but you saved me. I remember the days that you struggled with depression while I was growing up. I remember when you couldn't get out of bed. I remember when you would buy fast food because “food is food and we can't always find it in us to make the food.” I remember crying and crying about going to school one day and you said "you can stay home". Mental health is health and "our brains get sick and need days off just like our bodies." Mom, all through my life you showed me that it's ok to not be ok. We can’t always be happy and joyous. Sometimes life gets hard and we fall down and it takes days, weeks, or months to get back up.

We are not lazy.

We are not disgusting.

We are not useless.

We are not worthless.

When things get bad, and they do, it is not shameful to just survive. It's ok to save the cooking, cleaning, and working for another day in order to survive.

Thank you, Mom. Thank you for showing me and my siblings what a low point looked like. I know that was probably difficult. I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been to show your children the moments when you felt weak. But in showing us those moments, and showing us what your recovery looked like, you also showed us how to be strong. You gave us perfect examples of mental health being a priority. With very few words, you explained how to take the time to help your brain when needed.

Thank you, Mom. Never did you shame us for our downs. Never did you tell us to just let it go. Never did you tell us to suck it up and move on. Never did you let out an exasperated sigh and say we were being overdramatic. You always believed our feelings, always supported our emotions, and always comforted us when we needed it.

Thank you.