He Probably Thinks I'm A Catfish

catfish noun [C] (FAKE) informal: someone who pretends on social media to be someone different, in order to trick or attract other people: Online scammers and catfish usually have broad profile interests so that they can appeal to as many people as possible. (Cambridge Dictionary)

I'll be the first to admit- I have seen or binged almost every episode of the show "Catfish" on MTV with Nev Schulman. If you don't know the back story it's really interesting. Basically he's an internet sleuth who was in a relationship romantically online with someone he had never met. He later created a documentary about finding this lady, and turned out she definitely was not the person in the pictures. Now many seasons later he has helped tons of people track down their internet romance.

While the internet has allowed us to to connect with people all over the world, it's becoming increasingly difficult to know fact from fiction sometimes. We can create the persona we want to display, show only the good angles or blips of our lives, and throw a nice filter on it. The thing is though- it's FAKE. Eventually when we meet up with people, they will eventually learn about the truths and ugly sides of us. Our inner demons, shadow work, and vulnerabilities- that alone can be extremely daunting. With the popularity of online gaming only rising, the amount of friends you can create is endless. Reddit threads and chat rooms, you can find someone who is interested in the same things as you in a heart beat.

Normally I steer clear of friending people online I have never met. In fact when I got my divorce, I eventually made it a point to slowly dissipate my online presence. Simply put- my ex husband's new wife was stalking my multiple social media accounts due to her insecurities of my ex and I coparenting. I felt sort of violated knowing someone was watching my every move, and because of that I felt like it was necessary to seek out friends in other ways.

I never have been a huge gamer, but it was something to kill the time. I love playing slower paced games like Stardew Valley or Minecraft where you basically are creating the world you are living in. You are in control, and the music helps soothe my tired and emotionally exhausted soul. It was simple- but eventually I wanted to play something more critical thinking and fast paced. Eventually I logged into my library on my PS4 and came across an older game I hadn't touched in a long time. Basically it was collecting dust virtually- but I remember having had fond memories of this.

Back in the military in 2014 I just got to one of my duty stations, and obviously I wasn't married at this point so I lived in the barracks. Most of the guys in the military who lived in the barracks had an XBOX or a PS4 so naturally I ended up playing with them. It was an easy bonding experience, mutually killing aliens or building worlds together. It was fun and genuinely those were some of the best memories I had on active duty. We were all broke so having the ability to escape in a way that didn't cost tons of money was worth it. All while chugging a couple of beers did we come across Hell Divers.

I loved this game so much. Its strategic and is based off the 1997 film Starship Troopers. Obviously they tweaked it and added different missions and tons of weapons. The best part? It's 4 players! So you can get a group of people together and fight cyborgs or kill bugs! Not to mention the leveling up process is so rewarding! The highest you can go is level 50 and I'm only level 27- and I have been playing since 2014 if that says anything. This is also the only game I have ever bought every upgrade for as well. So needless to say, I am invested at this point.

Fast forward to 2021 I was doing a late night gaming session after the kids went down for the night. I had been playing a lot of other games, and when I got bored and finally went into my library- seeing Hell Divers gave me a sense of nostalgia that I needed in my life. Keep in mind you can either play with friends, or you can join the public servers and join someone else's team. Typically if I am by myself I will join someone else, I hate playing alone in that game because it's impossible to get any good rewards on a higher level when you are alone. I also always keep my mic off exclusively when I play. But I hear the chat going when people talk.

Usually it's guys talking shit to each other or none at all. But I have mine plugged in so I can hear what they are doing and keep up. Normally as a female I don't like to make my presence known when I am playing because if I turn on my mic and start talking, I will literally get a friend request from every guy who's on the team. Which is super awkward. I feel like guys assume I'm like laying around in lingerie, talk in an anime voice, and drink a bunch of energy drinks. Nope not me. I'm the exact opposite, I rock sweat pants, sports bras, and a healthy amount of Oreos. I swear a lot as well in real life- so typically I don't leave my mic on, because other wise all you will hear me saying is a bunch of shit talking and screaming. You only flip on unless some dumbass is going in the wrong direction or needs coordinating.

On this particular night no one was talking on the team- but they all kept doing dumb shit as I stated above, so I flipped on my mic and lead the pack. We got to our final mission and we were being air lifted on the chopper at the end of the round. Of course as soon as I was about to leave the 2 other guys sent friend requests and the other did not. He was a really solid player, so I actually for once added him. He was a rank higher and clearly knew what he was doing. Eventually I kept running into him that night on the other servers, and he finally accepted my request later that night.

It seemed like from that point on we were playing together almost daily. Did I know this person? No not exactly, but it was a solid moment that I hadn't experienced playing with someone who actually knew how to play. Finally we started private party chats, and became almost a ritual to get off of work or whatever we were doing to just sneak in an hour of play time, or make time if we were strapped from the day. I hadn't honestly had a friend like this dedicate time- just to be an open ear. He learned about my life, and slowly over time we opened up more and more. I mean I honestly didn't know how you could honestly get close to someone you've never met. But a complete stranger was able to be there for me more than even my in life family had been at that point.

My ex husband had not been in the picture for some time. I was dealing with the idea that my dentist was bread crumbing me at this point (which if you didn't know I actually wrote a whole article recently on falling for my dentist here on the platform. I'll link that below. So yes- all that was happening at the same time.)

But the thing is he was there for it all. He knew how much I was struggling with just transitioning and finding my way into the world. Just having those small moments at the end of the day to hear me and validate my feelings was pure. We just slowly felt at peace with each other. We talked openly about mental health, and just had a type of communication that was genuine. It wasn't fake- I mean this guy and I ended up playing 2-4 hours a night with me. Occasionally we would video chat, just because we obviously wanted to make sure we were real people and the rest was history. I laid awake sort of reflecting on these conversations with him, someone who was in tune with himself. Honestly if he hadn't lived on the other side of the country I genuinely would've met up with him sooner.

I had originally planned to buy a house actually in the state where he lived, not because of him, but because my ex husband was there. I would've had the capability to allow him to see his kids more and I would've finally been able to establish some kind of coparenting relationship- but it just never panned out. In fact, I bought a house 30 mins away from where I was originally at. The market was getting really expensive, and I knew there was no way to physically move where and when I wanted to on my timeline. I felt terrible, because I made the promise to meet up with him too.

Eventually we dropped it, I did promise him I would eventually meet. It's just the timing wasn't right. To move cross country and find a place on the timeline I needed was next to impossible. So for now, I decided to stay put and rebuild my credit so I could afford something in the near future. Later on in February that's when the dentist ghosted me- and I was just down to the Hell Diver. By this point things were getting really tight cash flow wise, but I was optimistic that in the future I was still going to be able to see him. Things got so tight at one point that this guy sent me grocery money. He knew I was trying to feed the kids and just stay afloat. I literally was shocked. I said, "How can you do this? You haven't even met me in person."

His response, "I try to put out good in the world to show that sometimes there's a glimmer of hope in humanity."

Talk about some romantic language there. Literally I realized in that moment I had feelings for him or that there was some kind of legitimate connection. How is it that this guy- someone I never met, could literally go out of his way to care for children that aren't even his. My ex was unable to provide for his kids a lot due to different job changes, or other various things. But he's not here. He hasn't been in a long time and it hurts, because I don't ask for much. So when I would call and he had no money he could help for groceries it was disheartening. But at the drop of a dime, I mention the slightest struggle and my Hell Diver was willing to drop me $50 just to make it through till pay day.

I was just so grateful. Obviously I paid the guy back. I'm not a dick, I don't just take things and bounce. But time and time again he would pull through for me, which intern made it really prevalent that I needed to go see him sooner rather than later. But something kept coming up. Within one month, my basement flooded setting me back $1,600. My car needed new tires, and then my wind shield cracked. Which continuously set back each trip I was supposed to go on. I need the time off- but hello? Have you tried to buy plane tickets lately? For a family of 3 the grand total was almost 4k. To fly! And what's even more insane? I have to fund these trips in full. My ex could not provide any help for getting the kids in town to see him so it was fully falling on my wallet.

Trust me- I in no way am keeping the kids from him. I genuinely am encouraging communication on a regular basis. I need time off and would love to have some adult time. My world for the last 3 years has been submersed in Autism education, specialist appointments, and IEP paperwork. The one thing I would love to do is drop the kids off with their dad so I can decompress. Often times I am overly stimulated, and it's very difficult to find time for self care when I am being the care giver to 2 kids under 6 with Autism. I want to spend time with my Hell Diver and see if this connection is real, but I can't.

I can't because the reality is, the universe no matter how many times I try to go and buy tickets to leave, something sets me back. It's happened a total of 3 times and most recently I was supposed to go visit this upcoming September 1st over the labor day weekend. But after talking with my Hell Diver, and actively both looking at tickets over the phone, the cost for one weekend was almost 5k. You read that right $5,000. For one weekend- no way in hell. He even told me I would be insane if I paid that for the opportunity to see him. So reluctantly again we postponed this inevitable trip that will hopefully some day happen.

It's almost like the universe is putting blocks for a reason. But part of me wonders if my Hell Diver thinks I am a catfish? Like I may be a real person- but like I always wondered if he believes me when I tell him things. Or when I bail on a trip, and then make promises for a later time. For now I have messaged him and told him that until further notice I promise to not make plans until I have the plane tickets in hand and pre purchased. I don't want to keep falsely making promises, and letting myself down as well. It's beyond painful. I get wrapped up in the idea of adventures I could go on and things I want to do- but I end up falling short because I can't scrape the money together. Honestly though too, their dad should help front at least part of the cost. If he's unwilling to come here, he needs to help. I do everything for the kids. It's exhausting when one parent is only pulling the weight.

Trust me though, it would be believable. To think there was a possibility that I or my situation is not real. Most of these people on Catfish always make crazy excuses to explain their life away. I'm not though. I genuinely like this guy- and my life is just literally preventing me from dropping everything and flying out to the west coast right now. I seriously want to be among the pine trees and camping in the forest in some flannel right now. Snuggled up under a blanket with this guy talking about a future together. But it's not a reality that can happen right now.

I mean the reality is- the kids are in school, and I have to change a lot of things in my life in order for that to happen. But my Hell Diver is amazing. His family is super close and he eventually wants kids! Obviously which is really important to me. He has a really stable job creating parts for the electrical grid. He loves this game called War Hammer- and has a really analytical side to him. Talks about the universe and galaxies being found with this new telescope, and he even has a pet bunny named Herbert! The only thing that's missing is that "unknown" variable. We both can't wait forever- but we also aren't in a hurry to get to a place where we are able to see each other. However I feel like time is slowly running out.

I'm actively getting caught up on bills this month, and then my game plan is to start saving so hopefully I can go out and visit him in person over spring break when my kids are out of school. They can go with their dad, and then maybe I'll finally have that chance to rediscover love- or even just finally bonding with a friend who I have known for over a year. I guess part of this is bringing closure to a lot of areas in my life too, and my Hell Diver is just one of those many things I need closure on. I often feel like people drop into your space when you least expect it to help you grow and to learn/evolve into the next version of yourself. But what would happen if I never pursued those end game questions? Then you are left with the what if moments, and I for one don't want to take my last breath some day and leave things without closure. It's just not the type of person I am.

So eventually I'll write an update when I do get the chance to meet my Hell Diver. And if you want to help (not that you have to) you can always leave a tip on the article to help me fund things along. Either way before I know it April will be here, and hopefully by that point you and I will have the answers we both are looking for. Because either way, I'm no catfish. I am real- the only difference is?

My life is like reality TV gone bad- and I'm waiting for my own docuseries.