Has Anybody Seen My Dignity?

My life is a sitcom.

I say that because it's comical. At least once a day, others are laughing at my expense and I can eventually laugh along with them, but it takes a minute to get over the initial sting of whatever shameful thing I've done most recently. Every new embarrassment comes with a little joy ride down memory lane. It's super fun. I get to relive all of my very best bloopers, and reflect on how much of a train wreck I am.

"I am good, how are you?"

That is how I just responded to someone in the grocery store who simply said "Hello".

Immediately my brain hit rewind because in an odd way, it makes me feel better. It reminds me that I've gotten through even cringier times, so this one should be a snap. The first stop in this blast from the past is one from my college days, so you can go ahead and assume that I was not sober for the entirety of this story.

A few of my reckless friends and I came up with this game we would play when we went out on the weekends. We would give our student ID cards to the one person in the group who was in a relationship, and we couldn't get them back until we kissed somebody that night. Our ID cards basically acted as a key to get into our dorm room building, so if we didn't kiss somebody that night, we'd be sleeping outside. Not the most responsible game we ever played, or the most sanitary, but we've got an impressive list of stories to tell from it.

And this one makes the top 5.

I should mention that we were student athletes because on this particular weekend, we had recruits from each sport checking the college out. We jammed the "college experience" into 2 days, taking them to classes, practices, the dining halls, and of course the bars. They stayed with us in our dorms and basically followed us everywhere. I don't say that with a negative tone because it's actually really fun getting to show them around. At least, it was fun until I ended up in a dorm room alone with a 17-year-old recruit from the wrestling team.

He was their only recruit, so I remember there being a lot of focus on him. We decided pretty early on that somebody was going to have to lock lips with this cutie to make sure his time with us was memorable. Last call had just happened and I still needed my ID card back, so I decided to take one for the team. I had planned to just walk right up and lay one on him, but I think I got camera shy because kissing someone in a bar when the lights are on is a completely different vibe than when they're off.

For some reason, when I'm drunk, I can never remember how I get from one place to the next. I remember being in each place, but the traveling part is fuzzy. That was certainly the case that night because I ended up in this random dorm room apartment with a boy, who we have since been calling "baby wrestler" because of his age, and I have zero idea of how I got there. He was only 2 years younger than me, but 17 is uncomfortably different than 18. However, sleeping on the street was not an option so I just closed my eyes and got on with it. Mama didn't raise a quitter.

We were making out on the bed when I became alarmingly aware of the fact that this guy could very well be a serial killer and I don't even know his last name. I had kissed him, so the game was complete! I had done what I went there to do. I was good to go get my ID back, so I did what any lady would do.

I said that I had to go to the bathroom, and never came back.

I ran out of that apartment the way you do going up the stairs in the middle of the night so that the monsters don't get you. I could not get out of there fast enough, but that is not even the best part of this story. That is just the first half of the episode. The punch line didn't happen until about a month later when I was the one in a relationship and in charge of the ID cards.

It was a fairly new relationship and it was the first time that I was going to be staying over at his place. All of my friends hit a record breaking time getting their cards back, so we left the bar early. The night was sweet. We sat in his living room watching funny videos on YouTube, just laughing and enjoying each other's company. It was when I got up to go to the bathroom and put my bag in his room, that it hit me. The deja vu struck me hard. I had been in this apartment before. I had been in this room before, but when? And why?

I was in deep thought for about 15 seconds, and then my eyes went wide. This is the part where there is a gasp from the studio audience, followed by laughter because everyone has caught onto the coincidence that's just too humiliating to be true.

You guessed it folks! My boyfriend's room was the same room I had been in a month ago. His bed was the bed I laid on, kissing "baby wrestler". I mean, of all of the beds and the dorm rooms on campus, it had to be his? Why can't a drunk college girl just make a poor decision in peace? We all know I am going to continue making them, so it would be nice if I could just get a little mercy here and there. You know, for balance or whatever.

Apparently the writers of my life don't agree with balance. They're the sweetest little peaches.

My mind stops wandering and comes back to join my body in the grocery store. I take a second to laugh softly and shake my head at my ridiculous self. I then turn left down the aisle where the popcorn is. I have a feeling this next episode is going to be a doozy, and I at least want to have a snack for it.