Hanky Panky Hilarity

It’s a random Saturday night. Nothing special. Both kids are down for bed unusually early from their exhausting day of yardwork and play. I flop on the couch and look around wondering just what the hell I’m going to do with all of this free time I have. It’s like eight o’clock on a Saturday night and I can do whatever I want.

It’s about then that my husband walks in, sweaty, muscle-y, and lookin like a damn snack!

Well, hello there Mr. Man! Suddenly, I know exactly who what I wanted to do. 😊

I raise an eyebrow and give him that smile; you know the one. That specific smile that says, “it’s go time cowboy, saddle up”. Though what I actually said was, “I’m going to take a quick shower, why don’t you find us a movie and we can cuddle up under a blanket”. With a wink and a smile, I shake my booty right down the hall to take a shower and get just a little fancy. It’s rare we have any time alone and I’d like to make it a little special. Cheesy I know, but I’m extra, what can I say.

I go on bathing and getting pretty. I get out of the shower and decide to slip on a pretty satin nightie my husband got me. “I think I’ll wear JUST the nightie”, I think to myself. “Let’s see how long it takes him to realize I’m not wearing panties”.

I’m pretty thrilled with my naughty little self and I casually walk down the hall to meet hubby. I walk into the living room and he says “Give me a few minutes baby, I’m gonna take a quick shower, I’ve been doing yard work all day. Why don’t you make some popcorn and I’ll be out in a few”?

UGH! FINE! Panty scavenger hunt will have to wait. He doesn’t even know we’re playing yet. I walk into the kitchen to nuke a bag of popcorn all the while plotting when exactly to pounce on my husband like a drunk frat girl. While the popcorn pops, I walk into our backyard to see our days progress.

It was spring and everything was blooming. The backyard looked beautiful. I decided to sit down and enjoy the quiet and the smell of the sweet spring air. We’d been working in the yard all day and it was so nice to sit back on the nice pretty patio and just enjoy the view.

I realized then that I didn’t think my husband had blown off the leaves and other debris from our patio. I looked around and saw a couple of giant green leaves on the ground and figured they were just loose clippings that fell away from the piles. Thinking nothing of it I stood up out of my chair to go get the popcorn I heard beeping away in the microwave.

I stood up and took about 2 steps before I realized something was poking me. “That’s weird” I think to myself. I reach down and wipe at my inner thigh and there was nothing there. Strange. I take another step and there’s a sharp poke again. “What the heck” I say to myself. I reach down and again rub at the inside of my thighs thinking I have a grass clipping or something stuck to me somewhere.

I’m still standing on the patio, it’s dimly lit and I don’t have my glasses. I hobble into the kitchen thinking “shit, do I seriously have a sticker in my snooch or what”? I reach down and feel something waxy. Ugh really! I have a leaf stuck to my lady bits! I reach down and pull out the leaf and throw it down on the patio floor behind me. Disgusted, I start to walk away when out of the corner of my eye, the leaf…..moved.

Wait, what? I didn’t just see that, right.

I step back and flip on the brighter overhead patio light and see something green, alien looking and FLOPPING ON THE GROUND OMG! OMG! OMG!!

There is NO time to think rationally! I fly down the hall to my poor unexpecting husband and literally S.W.A.T kick the goddamned door open screaming random nonsense like “Green thing, snooch, poke me, what is it???? WHAT IS IT??????”.

He rinses off and wraps a towel around his waist running down the hall.

I stay in our bedroom trying to comprehend wtf just happened. I wait about 5 mins and I’m starting to worry when my hubby walks back into our room and say’s “Baby, it’s ok, it was just a Praying Mantis”.

I stare at him horrified because I think I just heard him say that I did indeed just suffocate an insect to death with my whisker biscuit. Oh wait, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID!!!!

I still scream when I see a praying mantis. I may need therapy.