For the Last Time Buddy, Being Upset Is Not The Same as Being Depressed

Incident 1:

My friend called me the other day. A day after I had shared my struggle with depression for years and why I had shut myself from the world.

He recounted an incident that happened to him. He had met his ex by chance and that night he was quite upset with the encounter.

“I understand how you feel now. Because I was depressed like you that night after I met her” he added.

I ended up feeling helpless in this situation.

I respect his feelings — I can’t make his upset and feelings any lesser.

I couldn't tell him that my depression is based on a lot of factors - genetic, lmy mother’s mental health struggles and we can't compare that and a breakup.

I couldn't tell him what I went through cannot be compared to his breakup and he cannot exactly understand.

Here is the fact — No one can understand another person’s battle with depression.

Not another depression survivor, not their mother — no one.

Incident 2:

I was navigating through a tough patch of depression and it was years before I was brave enough to seek medical support. I was helpless and shocked by my mother’s suffering from schizopheria for months.

I confided in my friend who was a decade my senior.

She listened to me and recounted her suffering years of coping with her father’s death.

Comparing to that the struggle I am going through is tolerable, she added.

While I appreciated her opening up and also listening to me, it did not help me. It made me feel worse.

Why?

There is no limit on the level of depression one could go through. Death of a loved one is life shattering but it can't be compared with coping with my mother’s mental health struggles.

They are not in the same plane.

People have different coping mechanism.

Two people can go through the same level of suffering and one might emerge completely unscathed while another would be crawling out of it with barely any hopes left. I was the latter.

So, no depression is “less” or “worse” than the other. And not all are depression.

Grief of losing a loved one is not the same as depression.

Where We Might Be Wrong In Offering Support?

We try to validate their struggle and undermine it by comparing with our lives. It does not help.

We are all wired different.

We read quotes from social media and have a “vague” idea of what is depression but think that is all there is.

Trying to show our empathy by sharing that we too have been there and we have seen worse does not help.

It’s hurting the person who is trusting you with their battle. It's walking all over their vulnerable moment with glimpses from our strong past. It's selfish and uncalled for.

This needs to stop. Like now.

According to Healthline,

Depression is a clinical disorder that starts in the brain while Complicated Grief sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder, is much stronger than normal grief and caused by the death of a loved one.

Let me say it again — being upset, grief and depression are different.

Let us not be the judge of someone’s feelings and go about assigning superlatives to our mental health struggles.

Here is What Could Help

Be there for them.

Please listen to someone opening up to you—

Without interruptions, without offering anecdotes, without advice of “stay strong”

Even if you are a survivor, know a survivor or currently batting depression.

Closing Thoughts

Being a survivor of grief, of a tough life, of even depression does not make us an authority in enlightening people battling depression or anxiety.

Let's leave it to the experts and be fully there to support.

Depression is a (mental) health condition.

The same way any physical health ailment requires a physician and medication, lifestyle changes mental health support also requires a trained mental health professional, medication, lifestyle changes and support of loved ones. The recovery is based on the individual and a combination of these.

So let's ask our seat ones if they need help and support them in getting it.

That makes real difference.

Article first published in the Medium.