Five things you should not say to a grieving widow

My husband's death has affected me like no other death in my family. As I attempt to move on without him, I have been surprised at the comments that family and friends have made.

Some things have been said to me by well-meaning individuals that I would not say to another grieving woman. I am sharing them in the hope that someone else won’t go through the same.

1.No more pain and suffering

A woman who is missing her husband is dealing with the fact that her companion is gone. In those first weeks, although you know he is not coming back, you miss his presence, and part of you wishes he was still there to hold your hand, snuggle with you in bed, or whatever intimacy you shared. A wife knows he is no longer suffering and in pain, but she is.

2. He’s in a better place

A grieving widow is hurting because the man she loved is no longer by her side. Telling her he is in a better place does not help. Her hurting heart does not want to hear that. She already knows he’s in the afterlife and will not be her husband in heaven and does not need a reminder.

3. Put something else on your mind

Recently I was asked about a local election, and I said I really did not know about the candidates. I was told I needed to get something else on my mind, which I thought was pretty insensitive.

Perhaps the comment was not meant to sound that way, but that’s how I perceived it. Grief and pain are personal and cannot be turned on and off like a water spigot. No one just sits grieving on purpose.

I have lost my spouse's presence as well as his income and need to make sure I can pay my monthly bills, which is a serious matter. Grieving widows have a lot on their minds depending on the circumstances they were left in after their husband died.

On the flip side, just because they are not focusing on the same thing you are in a given moment or seem distracted does not indicate that they are dwelling on their spouse at that moment.

Even if they are, this is normal, so how dare anyone have an attitude of "Just get over it."I’m sure some other widows are dealing with the same, so if they seem distracted, they have a good reason.

4. You’re still young and can remarry

A heart that is broken and a woman who loved her spouse does not want to entertain thoughts of a future without her husband. It’s not being in denial, but still having love in your heart.

It's wrong that other people act as if a wife can just move on at will. This is not your race and not your horse. Unsolicited advice is the worst thing you can offer a grieving widow.

5. You had him for x number of years

I have grown tired of other women telling me I had my husband for 45 years and adding that they did not have that. My spouse just died, and it’s my time to grieve, not your time to be petty.

Please don’t tell a widow she should be thankful for the time she had. This comes across as if you may be envious at a time you should be expressing condolences.

What you can do

The bottom line to all of this is that those who are not grieving cannot feel what the widow does. I understand that others don’t want constant reminders of death, but keep in mind that a wife whose husband died is not on your timetable.

Betty White remained a widow for 40 years until her death, and many widows do the same. It does not mean we are stuck in the past or have not let go. It simply reveals the depth of the love and connection. Please allow all grieving people to process death at their own pace.

It’s not for you to tell them what to do. I’m sure some women would love to talk and share stories about their spouse, but family and friends won’t allow it. This may be a part of their healing process, so please don’t hinder them. Instead, be a true friend and lend a listening ear.