Finding One's Self

You always had that one person you thought would be there until the end. Growing up was always a burden on my shoulder when I felt wanted. I always had that fear of not being good enough for anyone that came into my life. I hate to admit it, but I did not like the person I was because of my past.

Throughout middle and high school, there would be someone that I had admired dearly. Things at home were not good, and being around other classmates was not helping either. I did not think that I would have done it. I had made friends and became acquaintances with other people. Mainly because they would ask me to help or anything they needed me to do. Typically, there is a sweetheart that you would date and then break up.

Ironically, this is it. In this case, the guy had liked me since middle school. I kept to myself that I had always done it because I was an introvert. I had still gotten bullied and did not say much. My sophomore year was the year that I will not forget. I carved the attention of another male because my father had left when I was in middle school. I did not have much love for myself at all. The boy at the time told me that he had a massive crush on me and that he wanted to go out.

My friends have always been protective of me in the long run and did not like him (they had all the right to). I decided to give him a shot and started to date him. Over the next couple of weeks, I started falling in love with him, but he had other plans. My best friend told me she had seen him with another girl he was with before me.

We had stopped talking for a while and then started dating again after he ended it with her. I hate to admit it, but I did not feel the love he gave me; I had kept it to myself. A couple of months passed, and we broke up again three more times.

Junior year was rough, not to say the least. The boy was at a different school because his sister had thought that a new school would help him focus on his studies. I had problems at home dealing with a situation at home. After catching him cheating with another girl, I decided to call it quits with him entirely. My mental state was decreasing drastically.

My friends had tried to help me bring up my mood, but it did not work. I felt like knives were stabbing at my heart. In March of 2019, my mom decided to leave the household with her boyfriend after a massive fight with a relative made my life seem like it hated me completely.

I had asked my best friend to come with me the following weekend because I was a hot mess in the making. She told me that I should check out the band BTS and that maybe they would help my mental state. I did what she had told me and checked them out. I did not like them at first because of the language barrier. I had heard one of their songs before and liked it. Soon enough, I had religiously listened to their music. The group had talked about their tour and talked about loving yourself completely. I fell in love with it. I had a hard time saying that I do not hate you anymore.

Being in the mental state that I was in, I fell in love with the message that they were telling their fans. Every day I started to look at myself in the mirror and see my flaws, My insecurities. I told myself I would say one thing I liked and be happy to say it.

One day I looked in and said the one thing in a long time that I could not speak in years. I looked at myself and remembered all the things that I liked. "I love every piece of you, and you are the bravest person I know," I said. I love you for the first time in 3 years. You are my person and the most beautiful person living.

I love Me.

Update: I wrote this two years ago today. I wrote something personal and figured out who I was. Today I am with the same guy from high school; we had two years after this to grow up and mature. Today we are happy and preparing a family. I wanted to post this to show that I grew up from mistakes in my high school years.

Thank you for reading!