Female crisis

All the years you accumilate together can be measured in moments,memories and emotion. When children are born,marriages, dates and all the intimate nights together.

A lifetime of good and bad, conflict and resolution.Being parents, being partners,being friends. Inevitably the fire wears off as you age. Parts of you change and are forgotten. I don't know how it affects the male side but from my side. It's different.

Falling in love was easy enough,you find someone that fits you in every beautifully perfect and imperfect way. You hold hands,kiss,make love,date and argue and then one day you don't.

The kisses tail off unless it's asked for,the compliments,that weren't his strong point anyway cease altogether and you find yourself wondering, if you are still attractive to him,pick up womens magazines with tips on how to improve your romantic life and try to tell yourself it's not you,when deep down inside there's a not so little voice screaming that it is. So you look at yourself in the mirror and become overly critical of everything you see. The grey hair,deep lines in your face, the extra pounds hanging off a once smaller frame and the rounded shape of the shoulders that have carried more than just physical weight.

Without realising it the only words that you hear are the critical ones you are telling yourself. If I just lose a bit more weight and tone my tummy,maybe he will notice that I'm trying to still be that woman he loved so intensely all those years before. You start to wonder if the only words you will hear from him will be overly expressive about his disappoinments or the looks that you get will only ever be when he is sorrowful about how you feel. Leaving you feeling hollowed out and empty inside when there's acknowledgement that you no longer feel feminine,no longer feel attractive or even noticed. It seems as if a womans' lot becomes then to be an empty jug just waiting for someone to pour back into you.

As a fully able woman I can imagine this is difficult,as a not so fully able and mentally impaired woman,you begin to feel like your day becomes about clocking in, you know you are loved, you see it everyday in all the things that have to be done for you and because of you,but you become a job. One that can't be walked away from because of the needs you have and because there is no one else to do it,a burden and a drain on the life force and mentality of the man in your life and you spiral into a depression believing that you are not wanted in any sense of the word.

You understand that life has it's pressure so you try to be the romantic one that plans everything and make excuses about being overly sensitive and to try harder hoping to be seen. Then each night you go to sleep holding back tears because another day has passed without that one person you adore saying something as simple as " I know you don't feel great today but you look beautiful to me"

So when you wake up the next day there's a descision in place, something has to be drastically changed,the hair,the nails,tattoos or new piercings, anything that will get a reaction on how he feels about your looks. The peroxide comes out or the tattoo gun and hours are spent working on yourself. Looking in the mirror you are marginally satisfied that the difference is extreme enough to warrant any reaction other than "Yeah I did notice,it looks ok" before rolling over and going to sleep.

Then you get left feeling like a total attention whore because you need validation from a man....Not every man just your man