Existentially Me

Life has a funny way of surprising us with unexpected twists and turns. As we reach the milestone age of 40, it's common to reflect on our accomplishments and wonder if we've achieved enough or anything at all.

I learned about mid-life crises when I was in college pursuing my psychology degree, and I thought that would never happen to me because I’m going to steer my life in the direction I want it to go.

Sadly, life didn’t go as I intended. In fact, it went the complete opposite direction. I didn’t get the two-story house, the husband who’d love me until death do us part, the kids that would never disappoint, and the endless trail of money so I’ll never be broke.

And I certainly didn’t get the best mother-of-the-year cards. To be honest, I’ve gotten more ‘I HATE YOU’ than I care to remember, but words like those pierce deep and are hard to forget.

So here I am 40 and feeling all the ‘uns’ I can think of (unaccomplished, unsatisfied, unappreciated, unloved, uncomfortable, unforgivable, etc), confused and stuck.

Wondering, is it too late at 40 to start over and get it right? Am I the only one? Or can you relate?

Society ingrains the notion that success follows a linear timeline: finish school, land a dream job, marry, have kids, and climb the career ladder.

However, life rarely adheres to this predictable pattern. The reality is that accomplishments are subjective, and each person's journey unfolds at its own pace.

Some of us never get to go to college, some of us struggle to have kids, and some of us fall in love and get hurt so badly that we close our hearts and toss the keys far away.

We choose a path and follow it, only to later discover, we’ve taken a wrong turn and now we’re stuck.

Sorry, I’ve taken a wrong turn that now has me stuck. (Because, of course, that could never happen to you.)

The trouble is, I don’t know why I’m stuck. How do you identify why you’re stuck?

I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads, surrounded by a thick fog of confusion and every step I take is like stepping in quicksand.

Could I be stuck at 40 because I’ve been living a life that doesn’t align with my true self? Or maybe I’m afraid to start over at 40 because of pride. At this critical juncture of my life, time seems to bear down upon me with an unbearable weight.

I pause and reflect, questioning the choices I've made, the dreams left unrealized, and the accomplishments that seem elusive. Each tick of the clock reminds me of opportunities missed, and the sense of urgency intensifies.

It feels as if life is slipping through my fingers, leaving me grasping for meaning and purpose. The weight of unfulfilled expectations and the heavy burden of time has left me feeling suffocated and overwhelmed.

I see others achieving great milestones, finding success, and seemingly having it all figured out. Meanwhile, I stand stagnant, unable to break free from the clutches of feeling unaccomplished.

I compare myself to them, but it only deepens the sadness and confusion, as I question my own worth and wonder why my journey seems to have taken such a different course.

I feel like I’m drifting aimlessly, without a destination in sight.

Unfulfilled dreams linger in the depths of my soul, whispering reminders of what could have been, had I made better choices. The weight of these unfulfilled dreams creates quiet desperation within me and leaves me feeling stuck in a perpetual state of longing and regret.

The confusion deepens as I grapple with these questions ‘Is it too late to start over at 40 and succeed? Is being stuck at 40 a chance for self-discovery and transformation? What shall I do now?

I’m on a quest for wholeness.

Do you have any answers or advice for me? I’d love to hear.