Excerpt from "Confessions of a Small Town Drug Addict"

Trigger Warning: Rape and SA, Abuse, Kidnapping.

In the summer of 2003, I experienced one of the scariest nights of my life. Gerry and I had gone to hang out with Ash and Zayn along with Mario, an old friend of Gerry’s. Mario didn’t want to stay as long as we were there, so, me being one of the only people with a car, I offered to take him home. Gerry didn’t come with us because he wanted to stay and hang with Ash and Zayn. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but that was about to be one of my biggest mistakes.

Once we got to Mario’s house, he invited me in to get a little high as payment for the ride. I was not one to turn down a high, so I agreed and went inside the trailer with him. Now Mario and I had met before, so I wasn't uncomfortable with him at all. The first time I snuck out of my parent's house, I was 14 and I went with my friend Alexa and met Gerry for the first time. The second time I snuck out, I met Mario and his friend Stewie. I lost my virginity to Gerry, then the next night, I had sex with Stewie. I thought that was normal because that's what some other girls at my school had said. I thought that was what guys wanted, so I did it.

I don’t know if that’s why Mario tried what he tried. I don’t know if he thought that I was still the same 14 year old that his friend took advantage of that night 4 years prior. I don’t know what he hoped would happen. But after hanging out for 5 hours, he wouldn’t let me leave his house, even though I had told him I was ready to leave. Slowly but surely, I inched my way out the door and to my car. As I tried to get in the car and leave, he stood in the doorway and wouldn’t let me back out of the driveway. Minute by minute, I would let up off the brake and inch my way out of the driveway, pissing him off each time. I could see the anger in his eyes, and I was scared of what he might do, which fueled my motive for getting the hell out of there. It took 2 hours of braking and releasing before I finally got out, but not without him punching me in the face as I drove away, and yelling obscenities that faded as I created more distance between us. I cried the whole way back to Zayn’s house, barely seeing the road through my tears.

As I drove down the road, I tried to make sense of what had just happened to me. I later found out that Mario thought I owed him for the meth we smoked together. Honestly, I thought it was payment for the ride home as it was a long drive, and even with my little car, used quite a bit of gas. He hit on me, especially towards the end of me being there, and told me I didn’t love Gerry. Mario tried to talk me into sleeping with him, maybe trying to keep the friend circle open by fucking me, too, but I didn’t want it, and I was a different person. He had been telling me how hot I was the entire night, but when I told him no because I loved Gerry, he immediately told me I was ugly, and that I was going to fuck him whether I wanted to or not. He tried to grabbed me a few times in the house, and each time I would start to make my way towards the door.

This was the first time I had experienced how insane this drug could make people. I mean, seeing Melly with the knife was one thing, but being a part of this hostage situation was terrifying. Is this how it was when a chick wanted to travel alone with a guy in the drug world? Was this what I had to expect from here on out? Is that how guys were on this shit? All of these thoughts and more crowded my brain as I drove down the road to the country home where Zayn lived. I called Gerry when I felt a little more composed and told him what happened. I could hear the sheer rage in his voice as he responded to me. He was livid. He swore he was going to kill Mario. Gerry had been checking in with me while I was gone, and I had told him that I was being paid for the ride, so he wasn't concerned. How naïve of me. Hell, how naïve of him. I knew I had to try to calm him down when I got there, but I wanted him to know what happened first. I didn't want him to throw his freedom away over that prick, but it felt good that he cared enough to be angry.

When I got to the house, Gerry just held me, and we both cried. It was a terrible night for both of us. He apologized to me for letting me go alone and explained that he never thought a friend of his would ever do something like that. I told him I knew that, and that I wasn’t mad at him. My face just hurt, I was confused, and I felt absolutely disgusting, like my skin was crawling. We proceeded to get high again, you know, for comfort, and then spent the night talking about everything we wished we could do for revenge. Throughout this process, I was able to decompress and relax a bit, knowing I was safe with my real friends.

After I had some time to breathe, I realized what had happened: I had been held hostage, and had almost been raped. It still brings up feelings for me to this day, for so many different reasons. I can currently feel the hair standing up on my arms because its so chilling. I never thought about telling anyone except the people that were there. I figured any authority figure would tell me I had it coming, that I was asking for it, and I deserved it for putting myself in that position, so there was no reason to tell. I decided to keep it a secret, a simple entry into my diary, and to try to put it in the past. I vowed to never allow that to happen to me again. I vowed to never put myself in harmful situations like that again, especially for free drugs. That, also, spoke volumes to my naivety.

Oh, eighteen year old me. You had so much to learn.