End of the world

Sometimes it feels like the end of the world, sometimes I feel like I want it to be the end of the world.

I've had such a bad feeling about today, so have so many others that I have spoken to about my feelings. I just sit here waiting for something bad to happen and I don't know when or how.

My little nephew was in hospital last night again due to breathing problems, of course I was worried about him but I knew he'd be fine so I didn't think much of it. Perhaps my subconscious mind continued to be worried about him and it just made my day worse.

I got sent home from work early which was lucky, I suppose. I was mentally and physically exhausted the whole day and I was in no mood for anyone.

I didn't go home because I was doing a bad job, my manager overstaffed the day and sent me home. Which was fine, bought some donuts for my niece on my way home.

I do still feel pretty bad and anxious, I fill ill, maybe I got sick? but how if I've been taking precautions lately, especially working in a childcare.

I have work to do for school, but I have no motivation and I just feel so icky that I just don't wanna do it. I just wish I could have everything done in a flash, know how to not procrastinate. Maybe I'll just be a disappointment to the family and just fail forever, lose my job and just bleh.

I feel lost in my mind. I have no clue what I want for my future but I'm just guessing and putting myself in debt for school. I guess i'll do something related to the care/child field but I'm not sure. I'm in childcare right now, My old plan was to get a degree, open my own centre that can cater to children with disabilities. but I don't think I'm smart enough or can stay motivated enough to be able to suceed. Now i'm ging to try for my bachelors to do Primary/elementary school ages 0 to 12 studies so I can possibly work in a school. Now I'm thinking about doing speech therapy for children with speech impediments. But in reality, I have no clue about what I truly want to do, I just want to make my parents proud.

For so many years i wanted to be an author, I used to write weekly, if not daily. I loved writing and my teachers would encourage me, until one day, well a few days over the years where teachers just crush my hopes and dreams. The negative feedback gets to peoples brains more than the positive. I lost my motivation to write, even to this day, i look at my writing and just see how trash it is and I just beat myself up.

I even tried to go into publishing or something related to books but it was so difficult to stay motivated. I think my dream is still to be an author but I don't believe in my techniques enough to pursue it.

The end of the world may seem like an exaggeration but I feel so hopeless and lost. What do I do with my life? Why do I feel I have this empty hole in my chest that can never be filled.

Some days I just sit and blankly stare at the wall because my brain is struggling so much with this pressure. I just feel so scared and confused and I don't know what to do anymore.

Hopefully this is all just a bad mindset day, waking up on the wrong side of the bed and I feel better tomorrow.

Thank you for listening to my little rant, I know I tend to ramble a lot but I find comfort in making this some sort of public journal, its comforting i suppose.

Goodnight my lovelies.