Elevating The Mind

I have bad habits left and right, and most of them place themselves rent-free in the base of my brain, no matter how hard I shake my skull. In fact, it seems that the harder I try to get rid of the daunting above the tip of my spine, the more that they stick to me, and to the crevices of my brain that make me, well, me.

For years, it didn’t appear to be something I could change about myself, and for years, I’ve jumped to accepting that it eats me alive like flies to rotten foods or manures, but I can’t live in my own darkness forever and I’m finally at a time that I can comprehend that. A new year means a new beginning after all, right? A clean, clean soul?

They say that after a hard day or big-deal surgeries, it’s good to elevate your feet. They say that the blood in our bodies will better circulate throughout our system, and that will thus make us feel lighter and more at ease the rest of the day or the very next morning. This is one of the most common pieces of medical advice that I’ve heard, and that’s why it strikes me so hard that we don’t say to elevate our minds. Why don’t we allow ourselves to rise above it all, especially the negativity that tries to push through the locks we put up? Why don’t we feel that it’s a must that we pursue the positivity that should be gracefully dancing within us as we deserve?

Why, why, why haven’t I let myself rest well? Besides, looking back on all the sacrifices I’ve made, I can’t help but to think about what it was for and where exactly it brought me. I certainly can’t tell, and it becomes clearer and clearer that I put myself through some crap that I didn’t have to. I say “yes” to hang around people that make me feel dull, no matter how badly I want to say “no” and I suffer through the consequences. I work for minimum wage at a retail job I definitely don’t love and put up with a lot of adult-tantrums that I’ve forgotten the last time I actually picked up a pencil and had some uninterrupted me-time.

I’ve circled my life around the teachers, relatives and so-called friends that didn’t believe in me and I’ve given up what I was passionate about, so much so that standing up and breathing at the same time became a hassle. My love life has been failure after failure of terribly controlling people that define me to what they desire rather than at least stop and think about what I want for a mere thirty seconds. I’ve lived a messy life in so many areas, it’s not pretty.

The tide of life got strong and I got tossed about, obviously. I got lost. Painfully lost. Confused, terrified and the definition of second-guess. The epitome of it, actually.

That was all a mistake and going forward, that’s going to change. From here on, I’m going to write about my own life, and be the boss of what I want and don’t want to do. I’m going to put my time where I need to place it the most, to reach the goals that I have elaborately jotted down, and figure out first hand, exactly what it’s like to be the main character of my story, even if I’m not the main character in somebody else’s. When the sun is gone and the moon is the only thing lighting the sky, I’m going to fall asleep with pride of the accomplishments I’ve achieved, rather than the agonizing all-nighters that rewind the embarrassing, the offended, and the sad. Yes, the bed and the room that surrounds it will be for good reflections and a blissful sleep, and that’s that.

I’m going to tell myself that I’m better than that, because I am. I’m going to live in a way that proves that I’m not the kind to value so much what I look like, but rather what I’m going to do with the body I’ve been gifted. I’m going to give other people the escape that I needed to have long ago, in stories written with love, and I’m going to let go of the things that give me a stress level to the high heavens. I’m going to spread kindness and not the harshness of fire, to stop the cycle of anger. It might be one in a million disputes, and it’ll pick back up tomorrow most likely, but it’s something – one addition to peace that wouldn’t have been there otherwise, and a peace in myself that knows I don’t have to clear my name to the ones who consider me useless. I don’t exist to change other people’s opinions, do I? I exist to feel my own love before I feel anybody else’s.

I don’t need a difficult bond with myself on top of everything else. Not anymore. I’m tired of my fragile heart, and it’s down-hilled spirits. Then, I’m going to love others the way that I love myself. I’m going to realize that the styles and the smile and the build – things that I thought were such a big deal in middle school– aren’t important anymore. Superficial things are officially part of the past. In the future, I can only see finding home in another person. Finding home in the sense that he or she is the first person my eyes fall upon in a crowded room, unconsciously in search of the height and hair and walk, not because they matter, but because they’ve become familiar and I know what I’ve been looking for. There’s no more fight or flight crawling up when I see the eyes that said they loved me.

My God, there’s a million things that I must let myself improve in order to live better for me, and that’s why I’m on a journey to elevate my mind.