Why didn't I get the job? Why can't I move forward with my writing? I need to create. If I just sit here for countless hours reliving my trauma and staring at Instagram reels about healing and hope. Where the hell does that get me? I really need to be playing with my kids more. They say the best way to show them love is through play. My daughter tells me she hopes I am more energetic today, but dude, didn't she see me clean the whole kitchen and the bathrooms multiple times today and pick up their crap?
Nope, she probably only sees me on the couch watching Instagram reels and cult documentaries, and asking her to get me coffee and snacks and for her and her brother to do chores I should be doing, even though I give them an allowance. I try to reassure myself it will make them better citizens, teaches them more responsibility. Am I a good mother? All I wanted to do is stay at home, but then Ray lost his job, and I had to go back to work. Would I be more involved with them if I was a stay at home mom? Heck I can barely handle my limited summer breaks with them.
Had I gotten that job though I would have had the whole summer off with them, and I did really want that. Maybe I am trying to make myself feel better by attacking myself. Wouldn't be the first time. I am a crappy mom, so better I don't stay home with them, but I did take them out a ton this break and did spend quality time with them, and I know that. I am having a hard time giving myself a hard time. In fact one of the few compliments my dad gave me is I would make a great stay at home mom, and I am a good teacher. He is probably right, I wish he would say he is proud of me. I only remember him saying it once; after he yelled and screamed at me about volunteering and doing that education program at a shelter in my 20s.
Why didn't I win those Vocal contests? To be honest I was hoping to clear out some debt, but it is a little like winning the lottery isn't it? Making it big as a writer. A family member told me "You have been trying to build your business for two years, when is it going to happen?" Umm, don't remember consulting you about time lines and business plans? But being a mom, and working full time kind of takes up time. No excuses, I get it, but also working on a book, trying to re-learn how to draw so I can illustrate my children's' books (gave up trying to find someone to illustrate them after the third person flaked on me), and managing multiple platforms in my "spare time," and trying to recover from trauma. When is that going to happen by the way? Oh, and learn how to edit videos, which I have never done before; unless one counts that class I took at Can TV in the early 2000s with VHS.
When will I make it as a writer or be my own boss? Not like this is a new dream. You have been trying this dream off and on Zelda, for how many years hun. You waste so much time watching cult documentaries. What is your fascination with them anyway. They are worse then my life. And some of those people survived that and had kids, so maybe my kids will be okay and maybe I am not messing them up, despite my generational trauma?
Why despite how hard I work are people so back stabby? I show up with the confidence necessary and try to be unbreakable, but people take my kindness as weakness. Why can't I live in a world where I can just be kind and rely on people for that same kindness I extended them and not be betrayed for it? I try to not be paranoid, but time and time again I am proven how wrong I was for extending kindness, and friendship. Once in a great while I am proven wrong so that is why I still keep trying because if it were not for this I would not be able to have survived all the other disappointments and deferred dreams. I would not be able to keep going and trying and writing my words on blank canvases, so that I can erase the negativity from my soul and continue to hope and dream anyway.
Because you see with my faith, there have been those like my husband that show up again and again, as well as my sibs, and my bfs. Some of those people have been around 20 plus years or dang near a lifetime, and a few have been added on in between the painful moments. And they say go get them Zelda, show them what you are made of. I believe in you and they hug me and tell me it wasn't met to be when the dream is deferred, but to keep trying anyway because I have something to say and it is worth saying and my hope is restored.