Does My Fear for Death Exist? — Fear for Death Is My Psyche

With the pandemic still going on, Germany would be the best option to go on holiday. Germany is also one of my ultimate countries to go on holidays. The decision I made: I booked a holiday at two destinations in Germany. I booked holiday homes in the Eiffel, Germany. In the mountain, I could walk there. The mountains here are not high enough as my husband wants. Also, I could walk through small villages to see their beauty. I love that. I was beyond excited to go on holiday.

I am excited. Yes, I was. There got a bumper.

At the beginning of July, I got a message that my first-holiday destination. It got canceled because of the floods in Germany. In the first place, I thought this holiday home wouldn’t be affected. There was damage. The damage was there too. The owners of the holiday home have informed all tenants that they could not come.

I was sad. I am devastated. Still, I understood the situation. I followed the news every day, in The Netherland as well as in Germany. Somehow, I felt what they felt.

What now? I had to sink in the news. ‘It is not bad,’ I told myself. There are lots of holiday homes we can rent.

In the middle of July, the corona measurements were strict again. Germany didn’t want Dutch citizens in their country.

Again, we had to cancel our second-holiday destination. There was another disappointment I had to deal with, and I was sad. Again. What to do next?

No holidays; children sad, mother sad, and our moods were below zero. The children went outside to play to cool down a little bit. I was bubbling with anger, fears, and disappointments. Still, I managed to hold them inside to get back together with what important was.

I need to book something else. Where do I want to go on holiday? Something else? D I need to go out of my comfort zone? I was afraid we couldn’t go anymore. It was like on a dead end. I don’t want to disappoint my children. What do I tell them if the holidays can’t take place? Are they my fears?

My husband wants to go somewhere to the mountains. I want to go somewhere to see villages and their culture. We couldn’t agree on that. For fun, for holiday homes in Austria. I wanted to know if there were holiday homes that were within our budget. I know my husband loves the mountains.

Luckily, I found a holiday home within our budget. I looked at my husband. I sent him the link, and we booked. We agreed on that. Oh, yes, we agree on something.

One of the best things about going on holiday is the pre-happiness. Such as: packing your suitcase, and planning what to do. I love to do that. I am smiling all the time when I pack my suitcase. I smile when I read what I can do. And I smile when I plan the route. All pre-happy moments I can get in.

When I entered Austria, I saw the mountains around me. They were high. In the distance, I also saw the mountains very small. Up close, I also saw them. My happy endorphins let me smile the whole time we passed through the mountains. And yet, we went through the mountains. Our holiday home was in the mountains.

Now we need a second holiday home. I learned that I could book a holiday house at camping — in the Dutch province Zeeland. Within five minutes, we booked. I never booked a holiday home this fast. Was it all meant to be? There I cycled on the dykes, on the land, and I went to the beach with my folks. I had such a great time.

On the beach, I didn’t dare to walk barefoot through the soft white sand. I didn’t want to take my shoes off. My folks told me to do so. I didn’t want to; I am scared of the shelves hurting my feet. I am scared and falling into the water, being in the sea forever, and getting drowned.

Standing on the pier on the beach, I couldn’t walk further than three big square stones. I was afraid. Why am I afraid?

I love the mountains! I walked through them. I looked for ways that others who walked don’t know about to find trails that people don’t hike on. Such as walking through the big fields. Austria is the perfect country to look at the view from the top of the mountains. I looked down. I didn’t think that was scary at all. I thought several times: "What if I fall down? What happens to me? Do I still have thoughts? I still think in the fall?" With these thoughts, I had no anxiety. Rather I thought: ‘Then it’s that I’m thundering down!’

The fresh smell of the sea surprised me. I still walked on the beach, picking up shelves and taking pictures of the sea. I saw my folks climbing on the rock pier. These stones are together with large squared stones-blocks. that are stuck together (not straight but laid by each other). Between those square blocks were big holes you could fall into it. I tried too, and I went on the pier as well.

My family walked to the middle of the pier, but that was beyond me. I was afraid after three or four blocks. I climbed on it, but I am terrified. I couldn’t place why I am terrified of going further. I looked into the holes between the blocks each time I moved my feet. I felt scared. It was dangerous, but so are the mountains.

I walked in the mountains every day. I looked up how far I still need to climb to be at the top. I also looked down often to see how far I climbed. Often, I am scared to look down into the valley. But these mountain hikes were great. I loved the views from being in the mountains until I was at the top. The rewards of that view are amazing. Looking down didn’t bother me and didn’t make me afraid. How is that possible that I am scared of being near water? How is it even possible that I was not scared to be in the mountains?

Why didn’t I dare to climb on the rock piers and walk further? Why do I have that fear? What is the difference between being high on the mountains and being on the rocks?

If I fall from the rocks, it makes me feel scared to be dead, and I haven’t lived my life to its full potential. If I fall between the rocks or into the water, I die slowly and have pain.

The thought of falling from the mountains made me feel less scared to be dead. I will be dead, instantly. I won’t have that many feelings about how slow I die.

Sinking in the water, I will be dead slowly with all the water coming into my body. I won’t be able to breathe. Standing on the pier made me afraid to fall between the rocks and not be able to come out from them.

Preferably, I want to die peacefully. But if I have to choose between dying and sinking into the water, or die instantly from a fall. I would choose to die instantly from a fall. Then I don’t have pain for a long time. I don’t want to die slowly and have a lot of pain. Do I have a fear of dying?

This story has been published earlier on Medium:

About the writer

Agnes Laurens is a writer. She writes for the local newspaper. Agnes lives in The Netherlands, with her husband and three daughters. You can find her on Vocal, Medium, Elephant Journal, HubPages, Music List. Writing is — aside from playing the violin — one of her passions since childhood. She is on Twitter and Instagram. You can subscribe to my mailing list, and you can subscribe to my Thoughts. Check out her books. She has an online web store, and she has a merchandise store. If you want to be informed about my online store and my merch, please follow this link.