Dear Mum

Dear mum I couldn’t ever tell you this no matter how much I want to or need to.

You were my best friend in the whole world the only person I felt comfortable all the time with the only person I could willingly tell everything without being judged and it’s hard because I’ve never been able to tell you and I can’t unfortunately…

It’s been 7 long years now since you went into hospital and never came back out, I wish I would’ve spent more time with you if I could go back I would’ve never left your side no matter what happened I’m sorry I left you alone in the hospital and only came to visit you twice… I was just so terrified seeing you lie there not being able to talk, not being able to move and horribly thin… it was so difficult seeing you like that because since the day I was born you were a bigger lady and that was because of me and your age at the time.

I remember you telling me the dr told you when you got pregnant that it was dangerous and could cause anything to happen to you I guess I was just lucky that you only gained some weight and that you didn’t die giving birth to me I’m just happy that I got to spend 16 years of my life with you even tho I lost you in the end… I didn’t know you were going dad and I were told you were even dying til the day before you passed I always believed you were coming out and would be okay at least that’s what told me.

If I could talk to you right now I’d tell you that Paul your oldest son blames me for you dying because you had me at the age you were but I know it’s not true the drs told us it was sepsis I think he just needed someone to blame tbh… he’s been a very bad brother along with all my other siblings all your children turned their back on me after you passed away no one cares about each other anymore… I believe if you were still here I’d have my nearly 2 year old son with me and you, if you were here you’d live with me and him in a house big enough for all of us I wish I could spend even one more day with you.

I have dreams of you alive almost every night again I was having them just after you died and now it’s been 7 years and I’m having them again I don’t know what to do I miss you so much sometimes and I know but government standards you weren’t the greatest mum but you were to me the one thing I have always regretted not talking to you about tho is Alan… “grandfather”.

I wish when I was 9 I could’ve told you about him sooner and gotten you to help me get him put away for the things he done to me and nearly all the other girls in the family maybe then I wouldn’t have ptsd to this day… and maybe just maybe I would’ve gotten the peace I’ve always longed for I haven’t had the confidence to deal with him and now I’m too late as you can’t deal with someone that’s already dead but maybe if you can see this in heaven then maybe just maybe he’d be in hell but some days I don’t know what to believe in.

There’s so much more I’d love to say to you and get off my chest but I’d be here for days writing this letter to you I just want you to know I love you no matter what has happened to me in my life and what you’ve done I’ll always love you and I just wish I could have you back… Dear mum, I wish you were here.