Dear Mum

Dear Mum

There’s not many things in life I haven’t told you. Sure there’s things I may have forgotten to tell you, but nothing major.

There are things I didn’t want to tell you though, but I did. I didn’t want to tell you when I smashed the whole side of your car, well that’s an understatement really. More like when I drove into a gate, took of the front side panel off your car, and had to put it in the back seat. I figured you’d notice the gaping hole, so I confessed when I got home. Thankfully, you found that quite funny and convinced dad not to be angry about it. I tried to remember your casual response to that incident when my own children started driving, and my car obtained some dents and scratches.

I told you pretty much everything that was important to me. The highs and lows of my life. You were the first person I wanted to tell when my first child, your first grandchild, was born. You were the person I called when I had a disagreement with my husband over our second child’s name. Ever the peacemaker, you helped me find an alternative and in doing so, you ended up naming your grandson. With the exception of his dad, you were the first person to see him too.

There is one thing I didn’t tell you though. It’s an important thing and I wanted to tell you, I wanted to so badly, but I didn’t.

I know you’ll get why too, and it really was for the best that I didn’t tell you at the time.

What I wanted to tell was I don’t know how I’m going to manage without you. I don’t know how it’s going to be to pick up the phone and dial your number and know you’ll never answer. I don’t know who else will love my children as much as you do, and who will listen with such interest as I talk about them. I don’t know who will tell me everything will be ok when I feel it won’t, or who will know exactly what presents I’ll love for my birthday. I wanted to say I want you to be there for every big milestone of my life. I want you to be at my children’s weddings and to become a great grandmother. I want my youngest son to have more time with you, like his older brothers have. I wanted to tell you not to die. I wanted to cry and scream and beg all at once, and tell you to stay here longer, much much longer, but I didn’t. As much as I wanted to I couldn’t. You see, it was my turn to be brave and selfless. You taught me how a mum puts her children above herself, and how even when their hearts are breaking they want the best for the ones they love. I realise how hard it was for you when I suddenly announced I was moving to the other side of the world. How your heart was breaking, but how you just wanted me to be happy. Not once did you complain about those long haul flights to come and see me, or the expensive phone bills you incurred to speak with me. Now it was time for me to show you that same unconditional love. As much as my heart was breaking I knew you were suffering. I wanted you to stay more than anything, but instead I thanked you for being such an amazing mum and told you it was alright to go.