An open letter to the woman who hurt me the most
This picture, do you remember that day? We went to see Theresa Caputo live when I was pregnant with my first born child. I was so excited getting to see a real psychic in action. Now this day has turned into a painful memory for me. I know things are tense between us, but I hope that you know how much I love you. Having a child at a young age changes you in ways I did not know until I had my very own two kids.
I admire the strength and determination that you had when you chose to keep me at age sixteen. I cannot fathom how difficult that must have been for you back then, knowing that you were on your own raising me.
I watched you Mom. Growing up, I had always thought you were the most beautiful woman to exist. I loved playing in your make-up drawers. I can still smell the expired foundation and your signature Root's perfume.
I watched you work your entire life. Between your jobs and volunteering, you have always kept yourself busy. You worked over forty hours a week at our family business. I watched you then and I still watch you now. I admire your strength, even with all of the tension between us.
I remember all of the pride that I held inside little me when you completed your GED with three children and a husband to boot, damn near ten years after you were supposed to graduate. I babbled about it to anybody who would listen. I was so proud of you Mom.
I watched you bust your ass off to provide a life for your family. I truly admire that strength you showed me growing up. I admired you silently and loudly. I watched you Mom. I watched the way you looked at yourself while I was a child. Now as an adult, I still watch you. You inspire me to be the mom I am, to become to mom I want to be.
I just stood there as a child and stared at the most beautiful woman in the world. As I watched you pick yourself apart in front of mirrors, my own insecurities began to grow. You didn't notice me in the shadows of your insecurities Mom. But I stood there. I watched you Mom. I listened to the way you spoke about your body. I listened to the way you spoke about my own body. I remember the all the diet shakes and the temporary quick fixes but I also remember the McDonald's picnics at the park. I remember the good memories and the good moments with you and my half-siblings.
I cannot deny that there is tension between us for a reason, and for a very good one at that. But you did model the way I wanted to raise my children and I need to thank you for that. You stole some pieces of myself from me, and I am trying so very hard to reclaim those bits of myself.
I do not want my daughter or son to grow up seeing themselves in a negative light. Because of the way you and my step-father raised me, you demonstrated to me how to parent my own two children. You still help me choose to shape the words I speak to my children, even with the tension we now share between us. Without a doubt in my mind, my children will grow up to love themselves fully and without fear because I am learning to heal myself as their mother. Through the lessons you taught me, and some of my own mistakes, I am learning how to be their parent good and proper. Just know that no matter what, I love you Mom. Even if that means you can no longer be in my life because of all the pain and hurt that you have caused me. I hope you understand that someday. I miss the mother I had years ago, not this version of yourself that I no longer recognize. I wish you healing and peace.
Love your only daughter.....
Chloe Rose Violet
About the Creator
Chloe Rose Violet
Writing from the heart about love, life, mental health, and everything else in between.
Lifetime Legend of Zelda fan.
"Write hard and clear about what hurts."- Ernest Hemmingway
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