Dear Mom, I Am Sorry I Left

Dear Mom,

I never got to tell you this, but I made a mistake many years ago. I wish I have told you this before I lost you. And to some point I did tell you about this secret of sorts, however, I did not express to you how much I regretted this mistake I made. So, what am I talking about? You already know. The mistake I most regret in my life, is when I left your house and went to stay with my dad. I hope you know why I left and went with him, and that it did not hurt you. I hope you know how much I regret going to stay with him. And for more reasons than what I originally knew. See, I did not want to go live with him, but I was afraid that if I did not stay with him, then I would lose my dad. I thought that when you divorced him, he would not be a father anymore. Because let us face the truth, he really was not a dad to Krista or me already. And there had been a time in my life that I felt like a had more of a relationship with him than Krista did. I was afraid to lose something that I did not have in the first place, and I was afraid after finding this out, you would not allow me to come back to live with you. I missed you, I hope you did know this, and I did not want to live somewhere where you were not, but at this time I did not realize that it would be okay not to have my father in my life. Now, I know that I made such an awful mistake and that I hurt myself more than he could have. I never wanted to hurt you. Now, that I have kids of my own, I understand even more how that could event, even though innocent to the young daughter, could be hurtful for the mother. I do not think I could deal with my own daughter leaving me and wanting to go and live with her father. I should have known, given the past when I had spent time with him when I could no longer stay at grandpa's house with you. I guess I just hoped he would have changed, but he had not. He never changed, even up until the day when he passed away, he still never changed and was the same father he always was, at least towards some of his kids.

I was so miserable living with him and his girlfriend their illegitimate child that they had together while he was married to you I felt so uncomfortable there I felt like I did not have a place with in my own father within my own family with my own father I felt like I was some stray that they brought in but that nobody really wanted me there and I never felt that with you

I had to walk to a payphone just to try and be able to call you I had to take a city bus because he wouldn't give me a ride anywhere unless it was somewhere we were all going together half the time I couldn't even count on him to drive me to school you were usually the one that took me to school and picked me up from school I can never get him to do anything with me or to ever put aside some time to wear he could even talk to me I was so alone but I was never alone with you.

I am sorry Mama, I should have never been there or thought that I needed that I need to be there with him. I would have been happier with you.