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Dear Michael I'm Finally Ready To Let Go

A Letter to My First Love

By Krysta DawnPublished about a month ago 5 min read
Dear Michael I'm Finally Ready To Let Go
Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

My birthday is approaching in a few months and I'll enter a new decade. To prepare, I'm purging myself of the past and letting go of regrets, doubts, painful memories, and all the other crap weighing me down.

I recently read that writing letters to those who had a major impact on your life, whether good or bad, is a great way to let go of things holding you back, see how far you've come, and even relive the most wonderful moments.

I welcome you to join this letter writing challenge with me. I'm aiming for six letters in six weeks, a mix of good and bad. All names have been changed, but those who knew a younger me will instantly know who I'm talking about.

First up, Michael. My first love and first epic heartbreak. In fact, I still tear up a little when I think about him and we first met 27 years ago.

Dear Michael,

I remember my heart racing the first time I saw you. We were just freshmen and I knew nothing about being in love, but somehow I knew I was going to fall and fall hard. When you first smiled at me from across that crowded room, my heart was yours.

We were both dating someone else at the time, nothing serious. But, fast forward a few months and I'm finally getting to feel your lips against mine. I had imagined it so many times as we got to know each other helping with theater props.

Now that it was happening, the moment seemed to last forever, yet was over all too fast.

Little did I know the rollercoaster I had just gotten on. Even worse, I had no idea how much you'd change me, for better and worse.

Over five years, I laughed, cried, screamed, and wondered why the hell I put up with you. While we only officially dated for about three months, our on again, off again flings were enough to drive us and all our friends crazy.

Honestly, we could've had a hit reality show for all the drama we went through.

I should've realized how stupid it was to even speak to you again after you forced my hand and made me break up with you on Christmas Day. All I could think, though, is "well played." That's also the moment I started learning to play "the game" just as well as you. That doesn't mean the love and the pain weren't real, though.

Every time I was single, you'd somehow reappear in my life. And, off we'd go again. You were always dating someone else. I was supposed to be the good girl, but damn if the passion between us didn't get us in trouble every time.

I still can't figure out why the other girls you dated were ok with you seeing me. I do appreciate you telling them and being honest with me about it too. I also appreciate you respecting my two rules - I'd never cheat on someone I was dating and no chance of sex unless we were both single.

The way we challenged each other at every turn made us stronger and fall even harder for each other. I just wish you hadn't been so afraid.

Things only got worse when you discovered you were sick. An incurable illness that would plague you for the rest of your days. As usual, we handled the situation with our screwed up friendship, passion, and barely controlled anger.

Those "dates" in your car are still some of my favorite memories of high school. Despite what our friends thought, 99% of the time was just spent talking. I honestly don't think I'd have accomplished near as much if it weren't for you. I could tell you anything, even though I knew I couldn't trust you fully with my heart.

You knew all my hopes and dreams and were the only one who never discouraged me. You also brought out the cynical side of me, making it difficult for me to open myself up to anyone else in the future.

I become someone different thanks to you. I was stronger, more confident, yet colder and more calculating. You also made me realize that you have to put yourself first sometimes or you'll never truly be happy.

That last night you appeared at college out of the blue, I knew it was over. We both had to move on, but damn you. You had to finally say everything you'd refused to say for five years. Why couldn't you have just been an asshole like usual, let me say it, and nod?

No, you told me how much you loved me, why you couldn't be with me (because you'd never be who I needed), and how your life would never be the same without me. To an outsider, it just sounds like a typical manipulative break up speech.

But, we weren't a couple. Hell, we hadn't even spoken in four or five months, which was nothing unusual.

I always loved seeing your vulnerable side when we were together. I never saw you like that with anyone else or in public. And, that one night, when I saw you start to cry, I fully understood what heartache really was.

I guess I tried denying I was really in love with you. But, that kind of pain only comes with love.

Seeing you again years later felt like ripping open a barely closed wound. Yet, it was the closure I desperately needed. Sure, it almost destroyed my relationship at the time, but we both respected my number one rule - no cheating, at least when I was with someone.

I want to hate you for all the pain. For making me a much harder version of myself. I want to hate you, but I can't. I've been so angry and hurt for years, but those feelings aren't fixing anything.

It's time for me to fully move on and heal. I wish I could've been the one to take care of you as your health declines. Yet, I know if we were together, we would've destroyed each other long ago. We really were like gas on a fire...a big boom, but devastating.

I'll always love you Michael. I can't help but to love you. I wish you all the love and health possible. But, I'm moving on. However, as you always told me, if ever you need me, you know how to find me.

Love always, Krysta.

Okay, now that I've cried my way through those memories, I actually feel better. Getting it out in the world and not just spinning through my mind is so freeing.

If you want to do the same, share your letters in the comments for us all to read.

SchoolTeenage yearsFriendshipDating

About the Creator

Krysta Dawn

A long-time writer finding her passion for writing once again, sharing advice, and spicing up the world one word at a time. Expect tech tips, writing advice, opinions, lifestyle, motivation, erotica, and more.

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Comments (1)

  • Esala Gunathilakeabout a month ago

    Haha, nicely done it.

Krysta DawnWritten by Krysta Dawn

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