Dear Lover...

Dear Lover,

I really do hate that I even had to resort to this option. But writing is the best way I know that I can truly convey my thoughts, feelings, and emotions clearly and concisely.

Lately things just haven’t been the best between us, as we both know We’ve had the same conversation about a billion times and still no change when it comes to the things that really matter. In this relationship, I feel so small. Like I don’t really matter and you don’t really care. I’ve told you time and time again how the things you do make me feel. I’ve broken down and cried to you about how terribly the things you do make me feel. Yet, you don’t care enough to change your behaviors. I’ve been trying to endure and give you time to become the man that I know you can be. But I can’t keep sacrificing my own wellbeing in the process. I feel less of myself and it’s all because of you. I feel insecure and it’s all because of you. I’ve never been this person before and I’m starting to hate myself for it. I’m starting to feel less and less comfortable around you. I keep doing things to see if how I feel will ever change or if it was only a momentary feeling but it’s not. I don’t feel as comfortable as I used to when being naked around you. I don’t feel as if our intimate moments are genuine anymore, and I’ve even begun to feel less of myself when we have sex. In those moments, my body may be physically satisfied but mentally and emotionally it ruins the entire experience. I’ve never been the type that was into the physical aspect of sex. In all honesty, the physical aspects of sex disgusts me. I’ve only ever been in it for the mental and emotional connection, but when those are the things that are out of whack then what even is the purpose? I have sex with you because I love you, not just because I’m horny. Unfortunately, I don’t feel as if you can say the same about me.

In all actuality, even if you don’t see it right now, I don’t feel as if you really love me as much as you say you do. If you really and truly loved me, we wouldn’t be going through all of this at the rate that we are. It’s one thing to give into a temporary weakness, but it’s another thing to consistently waive off your partner's feelings at every single new opportunity you get. I don’t trust you. I haven’t been able to trust you for over a year, and I'm exhausted. I feel played. When everything first started between us, the person you showed me then is not the same person that you’re showing me now. I thought that we had been upfront and honest with each other from the jump the entire time, but I now realize that it was only me who’s been upfront and honest the entire time. I’ve been waiting over a year for you to show me that person again and I’m beginning to feel that you just won’t be capable of that anytime soon. It’s true that I didn’t expect to see change immediately, but looking at the bigger picture, It’s been over a year with absolutely no progress. How much longer am I supposed to wait for you to be the man I know you’re capable of being. How many more years of my life do I have to spend feeling like I’m wasting? While you’ve progressed, matured, and grown in so many other areas that I’m proud of you for, this is one area that you refuse to change and that’s okay.

Right now, you are not a man I can be proud to call my boyfriend. I want to be with someone that can respect me and care for me enough to not embarrass me and belittle me behind closed doors. I want to be with a man that can acknowledge, respect, and honor my feelings. I want to be with a man that won’t fold on me for the next piece of available pussy that flashes in his face. I want to be with a man that knows how to pay me the proper attention when I try to convey my feelings. I want to be with a man that knows how to put his phone down when it matters. I want to be with a man that knows how to prioritize me when I need it, not just when it’s convenient for him. I want to be with a man who isn't afraid to love me openly and publicly, on and offline. I want a man that can love me in private and in public because at the end of the day there’s a difference between keeping your relationship private and keeping it a secret, and clearly I’ve been your secret for way too long. I want to be with a man that when he says he wants to change, his actions match what he says and he proves that he really does want to change. And even further, I want a man that doesn’t look to me to fix the problems that he has within himself. I shouldn’t have to be the one to help you figure out how to stop cheating on me, but then again you don’t even agree that the things you do classify as cheating, and therefore, I want a man who can see eye to eye with me when it comes to those kinds of things. I want to be with a man who won’t lie to me and hide things from me. I want to be with a man that I can trust with my back turned and eyes closed halfway across the world. I’m already a traumatized and broken individual when it comes to relationships, I want to be with a man who won’t traumatize me and break me even further.

I feel as if I’ve done nothing but try to be as understanding and as helpful as possible in helping you figure out what it is that you want so you can go get it. And as much as you claim that you want me, I just don’t believe that anymore because you’ve done nothing to prove that. If anything, you want the ease that comes from being with me. I make your life a little bit easier in certain ways. That’s the part of me that you want and that you have love for but it’s not actually me. I keep giving you energy that’s clearly not reciprocated and I just can’t keep doing that. We’re coming up on 2 years of being in a relationship and I can name a ton of things that prove that very point. I don’t have much, but I still give up my last and everything I have for you. Just so you know how much I'm here for you, how much I love you, how much I appreciate you, and how special you are to me. Shit, a whole year later and I’m still in debt just from trying to make you feel special on your 21st birthday because I knew nobody else would do it for you and I felt like you deserved to feel at least a little bit special because you've been through so much. You’ve gotten valentines gifts, christmas gifts, every holiday that matters I showed up for you. What have I gotten in return? You can argue the dog, but you didn’t even get me that technically. Abloh was a “christmas gift” that I received at the beginning of the month and still had to come out of pocket $110 for. I constantly put you first. To the point where I haven’t even done anything for myself in so long. But when its you, I come in last place after you prioritize weed, gaming equipment, and pornography above me. But I don’t even blame you for any of that. You’re well within your right for all of that. I blame myself. I’m the one that overshares, overgives, and overloves. That’s always been my downfall in every relationship and friendship.

I don't want you to feel like you’re a bad person or a bad boyfriend because of this because that’s not at all what I’m saying by far. You’re an amazing person. You have so many great qualities that’s going to make you the perfect man for any woman someday. That’s why I’ve stayed around so long in the first place. It’s why I even fell in love with you in the first place. It just feels like when it comes to things on a romantic level, we’re in two different stages in our lives. I really do think you need to focus on yourself and what you want. If you want a plethora of bitches and pussy galore, you can have that and I encourage you to obtain that. You can have that and still focus on gaming and basketball. At the end of the day, those are the things that make you happy. I never want to hold you back from the things that you really want. If the only way for you to find that happiness is without me, I am okay with that. Don’t stay around and try to hold on to this relationship just for the sake of me.

All in all, I just don’t think that I am the proper woman for you. We seem to have very different ideas and want very different things lately. I’m at a point in my life where I’m tired of toxicity and unfaithfulness. I’m so far beyond that. I’m more than ready to focus on my future and setting myself up to create the family I desire to have. I can’t do that while still dealing with the same childish, repetitive, and unproductive habits that have become content within our relationship. I’ve told you countless times that it’s either gonna be more, or them. You consistently choose them, so I think it’s time that I let you have them. I love you and I wish you nothing but the best in this life, and hope that you become everything that you desire to become. I’m more than happy to be your friend on that journey as well, and to be honest, what you need right now is a friend more than you need a girlfriend anyways.

With Utmost Love and Respect,

Her