Dear Lost Mom

Hey Mom. I never told you this before, but I’m lost here. I am living in, amongst, and about the world of many hard times. The world you brought me into but the same world I had screamed bloody murder from the zones of regular sadness affecting and overshadowing my ability on living a life that would be fully safe, all fun & enjoyable, and one that is respected by all I am unsure of how to go about conquering the defeat in life that is the right thing to do with survival and happiness and life’s prime example of being a price for the whole world to become more stable and well.

I want to recall conversations we’ve had on why I was not there to be yours in my life and that all is resulted in the case of why you giving me (and my siblings) into foster care and of me today; me respectively seeing that as of the time I’m openly writing this, the fact as a young mid youth that maybe all along you did too share similar to an exact amount of life troubles I went through, should have went through, or avoided so that I didn’t go through. You hated it here too from the stories I know of and you couldn’t take care of my well-being any stronger than what all of what 1998 (the time of my journey being in your belly) had presented for all of us along with my siblings to vouch for and advocate over the idea that I did not feel safe in the world and to be open about it then to have actually gotten me through life alongside yours I’m doing it by myself currently and since the day I was born, ever since and for future matters going forward on, I’m alone here trying to figure it out on my own but I’m living in literal the worst cases scenario where I’m still that scared baby girl that has not found resolutions on how to improve what problems rest upon my heart, soul, and nowadays my body.

I have no hate for you. No reason to or any means to I do although have just a few and maybe now a massive amount of pain to express so in that way we can approve the conversation and get back in touch with the right amount of good care that I need, you need, and obviously to the limits of deception that everyone else does too. Okay? But, by misunderstandings that were never understood since they all got missed by the inner peoples in your life prior mine being here you never really meant to fulfill those hard things did you?

By some certain sorry actions that you were not exactly in the complete right or the wrong to have done but may still need to be open and honest about with to me and then better yet with to yourself. That way we can heal and begin anew with a specific certainty whereby the positivity is righteous and claimed by all. There is always something as high and above where I get that way when I’m not too sure on how to control my emotions and express them safely. I then apologize on the behalf that my attitude and behaviour are being made up to become more beautiful by perseverance and faith for a better life. One better and a life so far away from this reality that it is made known to be sweeter than my voice when I’m speaking of the truths people need to be willing to listen to and learn from.

I love you and I am sorry that my commitment to our family was damaged and for my lack of knowledge from my adoption that led to my own concern and confusions in life means that I disappointed us and cut a stake in our relationship so deep and fast that it’s hard to open up the sores and see for myself how did we even get there. Okay, I do want more out of something in our relationship that is broken so deep but as I’m 23 and relentless in life I have no idea how much it will be destined for me to carry on a call when no one; not even you, picks up for me anymore.

I let go of everything and everybody in my life by time I was 17. I never learned how to drive a car. I never graduated high school. I was bullied a lot and all of my friendships were flaky and my relationships were braky. I’ve missed you for grand moments but for me to admit an armoured secret I think for my best you did the best by allowing me out of your grasp at an early stage. The birthday visits and all of the other family times were both nice and annoying to me. As my identity issues fluctuated I never exactly knew who any of you were to me and my feelings were hurt by not knowing how to ask about it and then I was damned to be by my example of living in a humans body was lost all at once by never being told.

My tolerance for being a pain to you is cut off and my body aches to hurt ever more over minor issues with this one. I’m not an okay person. Have I ever been? Well, I could tell you right now that I’m soaring through sorrow and I’m lonely for my family that left me on and believe me still through ridicule and belittlement from my so called loved ones I’m not sure why I ever tried to make it right within myself on my own to apologize to anyone when I’m done with that aspect of life where I get harmed by someone who should be protecting me and then I am the one to apologize over it. I sound like you don’t I? I hope so. I am my mother’s daughter after all.

So forgive me, for a moment I was bitching about the hurt I faced from the other realms of self indulgence brought on by beings willing to hurt me and not help me out. With that concept, it never makes it far with me on the scales of the high sky being in a self deny but it has further on claimed a piece of me that scraps the whole life story of mine into a collage that I was busy creating in my time being here. It’s incomplete just like me. But furthermore there are more days to live and more hours to get through where I am able to see it out and cry again because I’m a serious stranger to myself and you but through all demeaning things I feel so strong right and touching my life through impaired emotions I don’t want you to ever believe that you don’t have to go through your more days with any sort of senseless hurt in that heart of yours which is so loving it had even carried my life and I am appreciative that you are not only my lost mom but my lost best friend too.

-all my love, keanna. (your child. The one still trying to forgive the world for what it did to her.)