Dear Body, I'm Sorry...

The last two and half years has had its ups and downs, which has been the major culprit to the abuse I submitted myself to. When I finally realized this, I had to sit down and reflect to better understand where all this frustration, anger, self-abuse, and resentment came from. Prior to these years, I was on a good path filled with strength and happiness that I gained through self-therapy and love. However, the result of what I’ve been through caused me to lose my identity and fall into an abyss of familiar bad habits. Some of these life altering moments included:

1. Losing friends.

2. Getting married and living with a man for the first time at the age of 39.

3. Adjusting to a new life causing me to stress, drink, and eat heavily.

4. Becoming severely sick without a clue of what was the cause, which lasted two years.

5. Losing drastic weight due to illness and getting skin surgically removed, which I wasn’t prepared for. Only to go back to overeating and gaining weight again.

6. Losing my job.

7. Losing my baby sister in a car crash.

8. Losing an uncle due to COVID-19.

9. Losing my motivation to write or create my art.

10. Forgetting who I was and the strength I had.

This is not even half of the things I’ve been through, but it’s enough to give you an example of why I fell into the vice of overeating and self sabotage, again. My anger and frustration turned into self hate, and I began to yell and smack myself (literally). I was angry at everything around me and I took it out on my body. Therefore, my body broke down. It was screaming out for help and trying to shut me down with severe anxiety attacks, and I was not listening.

I visited many doctors that focused on different types of medicine, and one of them was an allergy specialist. She saw the footage of my gastroscopy procedure and noticed that my stomach and esophagus was red. She also noticed it was red and inflamed in my ears and throat. I was either consuming something that was causing an allergic reaction or something on the outside was bothering my system. I had blood work done and that’s when I discovered I had to give up foods I commonly ate on a daily basis like gluten, eggs, and corn. At first, it was a nightmare. I did not know how to function. I was accustomed to cooking a certain way and could not figure out how to eat without those foods. I refused to stop eating corn since mostly all gluten free foods are made with corn. I wasn’t thinking right because I felt all my foods were being taken away. However, my lack of discipline caused me to stress eat what I could, and the weight started to come back.

This December, after another severe anxiety attack, I went to get blood work done and realized my liver was swollen causing me many issues, including anxiety. At the beginning of January, I made the commitment to become vegan. Something had changed within me after that attack and somehow woke me up. I realized how swollen the top of my stomach grew, which made me cry. I stood in the mirror holding myself and apologizing for the many times I told my body to shut up or would hit myself when I wasn’t healing as I wanted. I thought giving up the gluten and eggs was enough, but it wasn’t. I had a fatty liver, which causes many issues. I was forcing my body to heal without giving it the right foods or creating the healthy environment to do so. I was mentally and physically causing myself stress, which releases hormones to hold you back from losing weight. I knew better. I knew this since my 20’s, when I went to therapy for the abuse I was submitted to as a child. I know that part of a healthy environment begins with how I talk and think about myself, but I was blinded by my anger and allowed outside influences to impact me.

It’s been a month since I began strictly eating vegan, sugar free, and consuming less than ¼ of the fatty foods that I used to eat. Cutting the fat intake has made a drastic change within my mood, skin and weight. I’ve lost almost ten pounds, which most of it came from the inflammation due to the vast dairy, sodium, meats and processed sugars I was consuming on a daily basis.

I’ve also included, which I used to do and it really works, saying positive affirmations of things I want to see in myself. I have to make sure to stare into my eyes and mean it with all my heart. When I first did this, over 9 years ago, I didn’t believe in this mental exercise and I would laugh and mock it. However, I stuck with it. After several months, my friend and I noticed a drastic change on how I was talking to myself and thinking. My mood and self talk was less harsh and more aware. I cared more on what I was doing to make myself feel good, including what I was consuming.

Finally, I’ve made a commitment to find exercises that don’t bother me. I promised myself to walk as much as possible and include Tai Chi every day for 10 to 15 minutes. It’s not as heavy as other workouts, but after a while you notice a difference, including inner peace and balance. At least, this is what I’ve noticed.

I may not be vegan forever, I may go back to eating some meat or animal made products but I can guarantee it will be limited. A part of me will always be a carnivore and I am not ashamed of who I am anymore. What I am ashamed of is how I let it damage me by over doing it. I want to be better, healthier and when I eat vegan or vegetarian, I feel my best.