dealing with pain

September 20th, 2022

I probably say this a lot, but I had never felt pain so strong. The pain of letting go encircled me in the past days, from all sides. My mom, my good friends, my boyfriend. So, I’m gonna go ahead and give my usual disclaimer: this is about love.

I’ve been away from home for 5 days now, and I left with a bittersweet taste of unresolved issues. But the pain hit, and it grew day by day.

By day 3, I was crying for hours, occasionally stopping to take a deep sigh and start over. I tried so hard to rationalize my feelings, but I couldn’t help sobbing to Lykke Li. Just sitting there, alone in my friend's apartment in another city, and as familiar as that may seem, it’s still foreign.

I feel like I don’t even need to mention the reason for my suffering, as I have written about this countless times before. But now, I’ve felt deep pain. I’ve fallen into the abyss of misfortunate imagination once again. I had forgotten what that was like. But talking to my friends helped, and now I’m a bit numb from the aftermath. I’m still confused but less. I haven’t fully accepted the facts, but I decide I will try and I will make it work with him. That’s all I want.

It felt deeper this time. In my teens, it hurt because the pain was daily, like it was there to stay, but it wasn’t so deep. Now, the pain is deep but it vanished after a few days of talking. I’m sure it’ll come back, and by then I’ll be able to react more calmly. Now the pain is not here to stay, it’s more like a tornado of indecision in a cave of emotion.

I was lucky to be away from where I live, where I’m usually alone, without many friends. But I’m currently visiting a city in which many of my best friends reside. I’ve known most of them for nearly a decade, since high school. This couldn’t be a coincidence, that this pain would come when I have those I love to support me.

I’ve turned to astrology, past lives, karma, the universe, gods. And it all seemed to make sense. I remembered my friend’s mom telling me that I had been a horrible cheater in my past life (she’s very spiritual) and now, years later, I remembered that and understood my karma: since I had been unfaithful my whole previous life, in this one I’ll have to deal with the pain of my lover wanting to sleep with others. It makes sense. You can say it’s not true, or that these things don’t exist, but it comforts me.

I’ve calmed down after some days, and I’ve rationalized. And after a call with a friend, who I once hurt before, I saw the issue from within. I’m letting go not of the people, but of my insecurity, fear, doubt, and hopefully soon, the pain. I’ll be letting go of the bad and embracing love. It hurts, yes. But I’ll survive and grow stronger, happier.

I’ve been spending a lot of time apart from him these past months, and when we’re actually together, it’s usually just for the night - cause either of us are busy. But he’ll always come back to me, he tries to make that clear. And I believe him. I will try to let go of the fear of someone else interfering in my love life, but most of all, I’ll try not to die in the process.

- Ms. Rodwell