Crazed and confused

I went to bed shortly after 11 p.m. and fell asleep almost right away, which is an event I love to celebrate because hitting the pillow and falling asleep at the same moment doesn't come naturally to me. I woke up suddenly and instantaneously prayed it was at least 5 a.m. so I can get up and allow my relentless mind to play useless thoughts over and over conscientiously. What felt like at least 6 hours of sleep was in fact closer to two. It was only 1.15 a.m. With eyes wide open, I got up, made a cup of tea, and decided to find a movie on Netflix, hoping to get sleepy enough by the end of it.

That's become my thing as of late-waking up with the roosters. I just wish I heard them so I wouldn't feel like I'm the only one awake at that hour. Come to think of it, I'm glad I can't hear them because if I did, there'd be something seriously wrong with me. I don't live in the countryside, for one and if I did, I'm pretty sure I'd get annoyed by them after a couple of mornings of appreciation anyway.

I used to love sleeping in. Even if I had to work, I'd have a ready-to-go excuse in case I got asked questions. So what changed?

So much. Too much. So much so that I still can't talk about it. The second part of it, I mean. But I can talk about the first part of it when it all started changing.

About two months ago I met a guy on a dating site. It's not the stupidest episode of my life, far from it, but I was 42 at the time. Do people ever really grow up to make the wisest choices, be these complete beings that love themselves and have that to be enough to make them happy and content for the rest of their lives? And I'm referring to the people that are questioning existence and working on themselves, practicing the Law of Attraction, learning how to manifest, trying their hardest to keep a positive mindset. Well... It so depends on who you ask.

Sure, it's easy to be smart in retrospect. So I'm taking this chance to be smart. All he had to say was: 'I'm aching for you. I want all of you. I wish you were here.' I mean, really? I fell for that. He was a young and smart university tutor and I found that very appealing. Even when every photo he sent me was his naked chest on his bed and even after he sent me a photo of his cum on the sheets with a caption: 'For you' my response was sending a ridiculous photo of me in a bra or eating a cherry. I normally despise any sexual references when meeting someone, but I attract it like a fly is attracted to shit. Most of the time a guy that sends me nudes or brings up anything to do with what I'm wearing or what size fits me, he gets blocked and forgotten momentarily. Not this time. I went along with it. The simple explanation is I wanted it too much.

On that note, I decided to travel to his city about two days into chatting about our future together. In my defense, I was going to travel anyway so he made my decision on a destination easy. We had a month before my arrival, during which I refused to acknowledge so many red flags. I was manifesting love, after all. What could go wrong?

You'd be surprised. During that month we video chatted twice. It was the first time I video chatted with a stranger. I wanted to test my anxiety about it and conquer it. During that month he would leave me on 'read' a few times and replied at this convenience, which incidentally didn't coincide with my convenience, but I kept my cool. All was good. I should give him a lot of credit. I shouldn't assume. He has a life. I knew something was wrong all along but I had reached the point of no return and loved the fact I was pushing my boundaries to realize there's nothing to shy away from. It's easy.

The day before my flight, not a peep from him so I sent him a playful text asking what he was up to. As I said, not a peep from him even then. What's one more degradation? He's probably working on a welcome surprise. He'll meet me at the airport, even though that wasn't on the cards when we planned my stay, and we'd embrace and kiss and live happily ever after. At least we would meet as soon as I left my luggage as we planned.

I decided not to look at my messages until I landed. From today's perspective, I can't begin to explain how proud I am of that decision.

I landed and finally opened my WhatsApp after 24 hours. He was gone. I opened my Instagram. He was gone. I was blocked. All the blood left my body while queuing for a ride from the airport, trying to come to terms with what's happening, and finding comfort in the crowd. They all had it together. I blocked him back and wasn't as hurt as much as humiliated and ashamed of myself. He did me an enormous favor. I realized I had some serious shadow work and healing to do on the one hand. On the other, I was true to myself all along. I take risks because I am aware there's only one life. I seize experiences and adventures and accept the consequences. What better way to go than to be able to say: I did it my way.

It took me about 6 days to come to and the second part of my adventure happened. The one I can't talk about. I can't wait for the day I finally can. It will mean I will be able to sleep in once again. And if there's only one wish I could have come true, it would be sleeping in with him- a co-protagonist of that part of the story. Time will tell and until it does, I'm keeping him for myself.