Cravings

I hate that I crave meat…the smell…the taste…both entice me. I don’t want to eat it! Why then do I crave it? The distress I feel.. when the cravings…when the smell and the taste is too much. I feel as though I’m becoming a monster.

How can I? How can I crave to eat the flesh of an animal? I refuse to harm a spider, even an ant, yet I crave the to eat the flesh of an innocent animal. Am I a beast? Am I only following my instincts?

I truly love animals, pigs and cows I adore. I truly am a hypocrite. These animals are sweet and gentle, only wanting to eat, play and sleep. I’ve learned how intelligent pigs are…which makes my guilt grow.

Humans are different to animals, we understand death differently to them. An animal’s reaction to death is instinctual where a human’s reaction is instinctual and emotional. However an animal still reacts to seeing death. Seeing a follow animal killed causes panic among them. They may not fear death as humans do but they still have a fear of being killed. This means they all felt fear before being killed for food. Yet…I still crave their flesh…

An animal goes by instinct. When you give a wolf a choice of a carrot or a lamb, it will always make the choice to eat the lamb. A human is different, we can…no I can choose. I do not judge any human who chooses the lamb. How can I judge, we all must make a choice in how we survive. I would never judge a person for their choice of food, obviously as long as it’s not human. We all must eat and meat is full of vitamins and minerals. I only judge myself for my choices.

I wish I was disgusted by meat, that the smell and taste disgusted me. It only entices me. I failed again…once again I ate meat, I ate beef, I ate cow. One of the most peaceful animals yet I ate one of them…again. I want to vomit it up…but that would be spitting on its sacrifice.

Wasting the animal is worse to me than eating it. If it’s to be killed then make use of all of it. Food, clothing, shelter, even compost, so much one is able to use from an animal. I can’t comprehend how one is able to kill an animal for nothing. To take joy in senseless killing. To hurt an innocent creature.

I have a distaste for hunters, not the ones providing for their families, village, community or theirselves. I have a distaste for the ones who take joy in murdering animals, the ones who use parts of the animal as a trophy. They say it’s their right or it’s just an animal, but what right do they have to kill animals. For food, clothings and anything a dead animal can give, I hold back my judgment. I only judge those who take joy in it. Joy in the suffering of animals, even insects.

I do wonder if it would be better if I did not care about eating the flesh of animals. It would be easier to just not care but that would be disrespectful to myself and the animals. I’m happy to care and doubt. Even when I succumb to my cravings I still think of the animal. When I succumb I can respect that the sacrifice of the animal wasn’t wasted. It gave me nutrients and sustenance. I hope one day I never again crave meat. One day I’ll have control or maybe I’ll realise that eating meat is simply…my nature.