Confessions of the Mad - Installment Four

13 September 2021

I didn't sleep last night and so I'm very worn out today. Something needs to give. I've been losing sleep and I hate it.

I got my allergy shots and walked a couple of miles. My doctor's office is having construction done and we must park pretty far, which is good for me to get my exercise. I don't do enough of that.

I'm still sad about my son. Hopefully this hurt will go away soon.

I received a voice message from a very good friend today. She is a single mother in LA and is recovering from her own traumas. It's so good to hear her voice. Even though we are far away, we are trying to heal the best we know how. She is an amazing person and friend.

Until tomorrow friends.

14 September 2021

I slept until 6:30 PM. It's always confusing waking up so late. I don't like it, but I guess that's what I get for not sleeping the night before.

I was supposed to hang out with my friend today and missed it because I slept in. I feel bad because we have both been so busy working to hang out very much lately. I will have to call her tomorrow to reschedule.

We just got home from cleaning and went to IHOP afterwards. We met a very interesting group of people. They were drinking and one of the ladies screamed, "Because I got big titties." She kept telling the waitress, "We are the worst, but we tip phat!" She was hilarious.

The waitress was also pretty funny. She called everyone hon, baby, or boo. She was super nice and kept apologizing for the very long wait. They were busy at one in the morning and only had one chef.

She was also a talker and told us about how she has had customers smoke meth right in a booth in front of everyone. Another customer shooting up in the bathroom and other crazy stories. Her job sounds dangerous. They don't have security on Monday or Tuesday night, which was odd to me that an IHOP needed security at all until she told me the stories about this wild place.

15 September 2021

My sister came over today to take me to lunch. It was really cool to see her. She wanted to talk because she is having relationship problems. Her dude is a total jackass. I've never liked him, but my sister is in love with his toothless, lazy ass.

I asked her to start working for us. We need help. I don't know if we can necessarily afford to pay her, but we have to make it work with the amount of accounts we have. She said she would help us.

We are going to start cleaning a new place next week. That will put us at sixteen accounts. We will be getting paid a lot soon.

I went to see my best friend today. It was really nice to talk with her. She is doing so good, and I am proud of her. Six months ago, she was manic and severely depressed.

Her ex-husband has been torturing her since their divorce three years ago. He recently put her in jail for an email she sent to him outside of their parenting app. It violated a protection order unfairly placed on her because his lawyer purposefully told her the wrong date and time for court one time. They were then able to place the protection order because she didn't show up to court.

My psychiatrist upped my Lamotrigine today and added Wellbutrin. I am also taking Abilify, and Lexapro. I honestly feel good besides the not sleeping part so that is why we upped the Lamotrigine and added the Wellbutrin.

Until tomorrow friends.

16 September 2021

I hung out with my bestie today and she got me really stoned. I mean really stoned off the good shit. She only pays for the top-notch marijuana extracts.

I know I said we were going to get one new account, but today we actually received a call, and we are getting two. Good thing my sister said she could help. It is already getting confusing and overwhelming. Money, money. money. Eye on the prize, Jenn.

Until tomorrow everyone 😘

17 September 2021

Today my mother-in-law asked about the rent. We are overdue by months. I told her our situation though and she was very understanding. I was so scared to send the text to her at first, but now I know I shouldn't have been. She has always helped us and just wants the best for us.

When we finally get this business off the ground, we will be rolling in the cash and be able to reciprocate the many favors she has given to us.

18 September 2021

My neighbor is hilarious. She stopped some man from dumping his trash in our dumpster. Apparently, he lives across the street from our complex and he is required to pay for his own trash, but he doesn't and instead he hauls it over to ours. She has caught him twice now. She was yelling at him yesterday saying he couldn't do that and much more.

When she finally dissuaded him, she wanted to talk to me and my husband about it. She said things like, "I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy. Don't get on my bad side. I don't give a fuck!" But really, she gives a ton of fucks. She will confront anybody and everybody. I actually find humor in it because of how worked up she gets. I shouldn't, but I do.

Until tomorrow friends.

19 September 2021

I am proud of myself because I was only on my computer today for a couple of hours. I am setting healthier limits on myself.

I am also sleeping so much better. I am actually sleeping and then when I do sleep it's only for 8–10 hours instead of the thirteen hours I was sleeping before. I think my psychiatrist knows what she is talking about. I feel great.

I even exercised and stretched today. It felt really good. I like to dance or walk when I work out. Don't laugh, but I specifically like to twerk. Oh, I'm not good at it or anything. But I do think those female rappers are empowering. They have an immense amount of confidence and I admire them for that.

Today was my uncle's fiftieth birthday on my dad's side. It had been so long since I've seen them, definitely before Covid. It was such good food and a great time. It was nice seeing everyone, but I always feel so awkward.

I feel like an outcast on my dad's side of the family. He abandoned me before I was born, and I didn't meet him until I was 12. I feel like he robbed me of a relationship on that side of the family. He's been trying so hard since I was twelve to build a relationship, but I pushed him away until recently. I needed to forgive him so I could heal from my stepfather's years of abuse. I was so angry at my dad for that.

I passed out my poetry book to all of my family members. I hope they don't look at me differently because it's pretty dark writing. I was severely depressed when I wrote it.

I see my poetry getting more and more positive as I take my medicine. Just little dark ones slide in there sometimes. I used to think my poetry had to be dark for it to be any good. By practicing more positive poetry, I'm starting to like it better than my old works.

While driving home from work, we noticed a man needing help to push his car. My husband parked and ran out to help him. He got behind the car and just started pushing. They had to push the car uphill. The man never looked back once and just thought he was so strong while my husband did the hard part.

He hopped in his car and parked it. He still hadn't looked back to notice my husband. My husband got in our car, and he had to catch his breath. We just laughed about this wild man thinking it was so easy to push his car up a hill by himself. It was great.

Tomorrow begins Installment Five. Thanks for reading friends!

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