Confessions of a Sex Tape

The suggestive suggestion

One, two, three pairs of feet tangle within one another excitedly in bed. Not the usual image of a healthy relationship but who is to tell you what healthy is in a relationship? After all, some people spend an immeasurable amount of time married, bored and often feeling alone. I vowed to never feel that way in my relationship but I've been there too. Feeling completely ignored, ugly and wondering why he doesn't want to touch me tonight. Well, the truth is, I'm sure at some point he has felt the same. But, right or wrong, women are very good at forgetting that men feel just like we do and attention-craving works both ways.

So, early '20s and already enjoying a fruitful sex life, we get talking. I believe it was actually me who first bought the topic up of venturing outside of our relationship. Not alone, always together and it wasn't because I was bored, it was because I craved more. I am an open, sexually active and adventurous woman. I like sex. No, I LOVE sex and I enjoy some of the taboo whip and chains too. I mean, a little bit of pain never hurt anyone right? (Irony bestows me after this sentence).

"Ever considered a threesome?"

His eyes of course widened and I don't need to tell you how his little man reacted in those skintight jeans I loved to see him in. His answer was of course a yes and with that simple sentence, a night and half of the next morning was filled with passion and lust. Lots of lust.

Over the next few months, we made couples online profiles, left ads on adult forums and had a lot of interest. This was back in the day when my curves sat just in the right places and long before Covid was around to turn my once nice curves into what you see today. We would spend many nights (and days) exploring each other's bodies and talking openly about our sexuality. I am bisexual and I have been as far back as I can remember. Yes, I love a nice penis but ever since I was a young teen girl and had my first experience with a girl, I knew that the tender touch of a females skin and the taste of her cherry lips were exactly what I needed every once and a while. So, keeping this in mind, the threesome I wanted was with a female. Now, I could tell you the sordid details of what we spoke about and the details of what else my partner wanted. But, this is a confession, not an erotic story (maybe a little) so I'll leave those stories (possibly) for another day.

The sex tape

Fast forward approximately 12 months and that's where my first confession takes place. We signed up for a website called Xvideos. Yes, it's a pornographic site full of some wonderful videos that give even PornHub a run for its money. This was when my other half gave me a naughty and slightly sheepish look, followed by the words,

"Make a video of yourself and put it on XHamster"

Now if you're into the 'real' side of sex, XHamster is the place for you. The site is full of real-life couples, single women, men, transexuals, Lesbian, Gay and then some porn videos that to a sex-craved woman like me, feels like it's Christmas. This is why the site was the perfect beginning to enter me into the world of taboo sex. I simply thought to myself that if it was bad I would slip between the cracks (no pun intended) of the glorious pornographic content and if it was good, then goal achieved.

So I did it.

Now to state the production of this new sex-tape was embarassing is an understatement. Many uncomfortable leg stretches, giggles, nip slips and flaps hanging out of uncomfortable and rather unflattering places later, we finally had a sex-tape. Be it a short one but a master piece at that.

3 hours and 87 views later, I felt like a super star and I got off on it completely. Of course my other half did too and this led to another hour of fun. This routine carried on over the next 18 months, we would find a day or two a week to make videos, take pictures and generally chat with strangers online. We got off on it, we loved it. Every comment, every view made us feel sexy. It wasn't for everyone and we were certain if our closest friends and god forbid family knew, we would be both ridiculed and catrated. But, it was our life and our relationship. So we said screw you to the normal conventions society puts on us.

Then one day we ventured out into the cold hard world of a threesome.

We had had our fun online, discussed the pros and of course the cons and we decided to take the leap. This is where the danger begins and the turning point that makes fantasy a reality. Many relationships don't last the reality and disagreements that come with a threesome. So, if you're thinking of having one, make sure to discuss everything with your significant other and be sure that it is 100% what you want. The reason I say this is because of what happened next.

Welcoming the third wheel

After some light debating about who and when, I had a message of an old friend I had experimented with in my late teens. Like a sexual blessing, I of course took the opportunity to somehow fit into the conversation our want for a second vagina to join the team.

Hi how are you? How is work? Do you want a threesome?

It pretty much went something like that.

After somelight flirting and then some pretty filthy photographic swaps, we invited her over. I met her from the train and the talk was small at first. Nervous was an understatement because this time it wasn't just me, it was my other half too. We had been together for upwards of 5 years at this point so it felt like a large and scary step. A will they or won't they if ever I did know of one.

We did.

The night started normal, then a few alcoholic beverages later and some light flirting, she went to bed and we lay there chatting through Whatsapp. I was too embarassed to ask her to join us even though we all had our cards on the table at this point. This should have been the first red light and the main piece of advice I want to give you.

If you can't openly discuss your sexual wants and needs and both feel comfortable with them, then it shouldn't be happening. You both must feel safe, comfortable and supportive of each other.

That's not to say threesomes are a no no but most of the time, that's exactly what they are.

So a few messages later, I sent her a final one.

Do you want to come and play?

I got no response but the alcohol had filled me with some confidence so I walked slowly into the room we had given her. Her phone had died. I looked at her and asked her the same question.

I did message you but obviously you didn't get it, do you want to come and play?

Yes

Well that was easy. That was my first thought. She walked with me hand in hand into the other room and my other half was already full of sexual excitement.

Everything seemed to be going perfectly great at first but as we settled into the threesome. Shit hit the fan.

Now, we had discussed rules from the very beginning. Some I had suggested, some he had suggested and some our tird wheel had suggested. The rules we all agreed on instantly however were:

• No M/F kissing (between them)
• No vaginal intercourse (between them)
• No internal play (between them)

While this may sound restrictive for an 'open' relationship, the sole reason we had started this in the first place was because my partner wanted to see me with another woman and she wanted to once again explore the sexuality she had left behind years ago. Of course, I wanted to experience those moments again too.

This is where it all went wrong.

The Fuck Up

Now I would be lying if I say I didn't at times feel a little jealous. After all, I was sharing my partner with another person and another woman at that but I felt it was a perfectly normal reaction given how serious we were. My partner was actually the first person to react with jealousy. Slowly whispering in my ear that he wanted me to focus on him as well as her. (Cute).

But then, he disregarded his own ask and our rules and started to finger her. Yep rule 3 was broken:

• No internal play (between them)

I felt instantly pissed and quickly 'finished up' before telling her to leave as I was tired. It was obvious the tension was high and long story short, the rest of the night and half of the next day was rather awkward.

We never invited her over again and now, we have lost touch.

That was the one and only time we both allowed a third wheel. That night nearly broke us and it took several years of arguments, building trust, taking down websites, videos and more arguments later before we finally became at peace.

At peace as two

Next week, we celebrate our 13th anniversary. We have become the strongest and most loving couple we know and we enjoy every day together. Of course, life has had its moments but we are after all human. I no longer craved the touch of a woman and for him he had finally experienced that threesome and realised it wasn't 'all that'.

We started talking again, spending time listening to one another and simply being. We laughed, cried and experimented instead with each other without the need for another in the bedroom and life is good. It's hard but it's good.

I am a little wider and rounder than I was in my early 20s, turning 30 in a month will do that to you. (That and lockdown). He is closing in to mid 30s and still the sexiest man alive. I love him.

So find your peace and if a third wheel is what you both desire and feel comfortable with then do it. Fuck normality and social standards. But I strongly suggest that you only do it if your relationship is strong and able to last the rockyness that (often) comes with that third wheel.

Just remember that you're both worth the world and a third person is not supposed to improve your relationship, simply add to it.Have fun, enjoy your intimacy and remember to enjoy your sex. Bceuase sex, well it's fucking great.

Thank you very much for reading my article. Your love and support truly pushes me forward and helps me to improve everyday.

If you're feeling extra giving today, how about a tip?