Confessions of a Newly Out Lesbian

Dear Selena,

The greatest person to enter my life and bring me so much happiness with everything,

I am so, so, so sorry that I have brought this onto you, but please, please Selena, know that I didn’t mean to hurt you with this at all in any way. I’m more than well aware of the situation. You’ve said so many things to make it very clear as to where you stand and what you expect. Believe me, I’m not trying to challenge, change or even deny how you feel. You have every right to feel as you do after this because I’m so, so weak to have let this happen. I never even thought I’d be capable of going down this path and it was never my goal for it to lead up to this. I’m ashamed, I feel disgusted and disturbed.

Selena, I have fallen in love with you.

Please, please I know at most now you’d certainly want to stop reading but I just need you to understand and let me explain. I’m so disturbed — I don’t even know whether or not I want to feel like this and it’s constantly hurting me to the point where I’ve been starving and hurting myself to think of anything else and it’s not working. I feel like I’ve lost my sanity because I know how things are. I’m being delusional and looking for something that I know I can’t have — but I won’t let myself either because it’s you who I want happy before my own happiness.

Ever since we became friends I started to get these weird feelings for you where I not only wanted to know if you were alright but I wanted your approval with everything because I just felt like I was just merely looking up to you. If I did something silly that disappointed you I’d shame myself — if I saw that I did something to make you happy I’d get ecstatic for the whole day. Even you having said hello and asking how I am made my day automatically fantastic and I feel reminded that I have someone who cares and enjoys talking with me. It was great knowing I had a best friend who could even make me laugh and forget about the shittest of days.

Honestly, I just want everything to be fun and loving which is so easy with you around. Subconsciously I’d do things that you’d expect from a person who was in a relationship.

I had honestly never thought I’d be attracted to someone of the same gender but I did, and I can tell you now it’d only ever be with you because I love you that much I can put aside how foreign and wrong it is.

It makes me proud to know that I wouldn’t let anything come between us, but the one thing I can’t get over is how this is going to make you feel.

Selena, you’ve made it clear to me so many times that you’re interested in boys and I am mainly aware of that, I’ve acknowledged it but in my heart, I still hope. I just can’t get over how in so many ways you’d be a fantastic companion/partner. Not only that, but I want to be there for you. I want you to know I will let you be free to do as you please and will cheer you on constantly and want to be there for every moment where you need to be congratulated or reminded how great you are. I will never make you mine in the sense that you can’t shower your love to anyone but me. No, I want you to make every person in your life feel appreciated and I will look forward to you coming to me at the end of the day to tell me how fantastic you feel for doing so. For the things I know I can’t give right away, I will let you go to find people who can until I can supply it myself — but it doesn’t mean I love you less, I just want you to be satisfied because I already would be by having you there with me.

I want you to know with me you can talk to about whatever is on your mind at any time of the day, that you can be weak around me and I will keep you safe, as well as knowing I will never shut you down, never think weird of you or even lack understanding. I don’t know if you still do, but I don’t want you crying by yourself! I want to be able to rush in and hug you while reminding you that whatever it is that’s going on, I will always, be there and I will make sure everything is alright! I want so many sophisticated paragraphs from you and to exchange good mornings and goodnights! I don’t want there to be a time of the day where you can’t talk with me when you want to! I will give all my time to listen to you because I actually care so much to know how your day was and to take an interest in your life and wellbeing. I want you to continue showing me all the wonderful things that I never stopped to consider or to open my eyes to things I was once blinded to so I can appreciate things with you.

I don’t want you to be afraid that I’d force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with and that I will always follow you till the end.

I will never walk away, I will never ignore you, I will never make you feel inadequate. You’re above and beyond what any person says and thinks about you, as you will always be nothing but perfect; no flaws, and even if you did I couldn’t help but love you more for them!

I want to give you what you need! Someone who’s always going to love you and not let the silliest of things get in the way. I want you to know you’re in a relationship where there are no expectations and that you will never be spat on for any mistakes. I want you to stop the sacrifice and know that there’s someone actually willing to give up their complete happiness if it means you’ll smile and feel safe for a second. I’ll keep pushing you up higher even if I have to go under. I will forever hold your hand against the world to show how much I love you, won’t let people drag you away, and to let you know you’re more than good enough and I will fight for you. No more tricks! No more lies! You will never get that with me — I promise that!

As much as I want to give you those things, there’s the reality that I will be a letdown in some ways. First of all, I ain’t no boy and with that, I can’t give you a normal relationship. I may be able to put that aside with you but I know I can’t expect the same. If you were willing to give it a chance though — trust me you can have it whichever way you want. I will keep it hushed, you could even have another partner in your life who’s a man — and if you choose to, leave me if I can’t offer you enough; I’m not going to make you live a miserable life because of me and I want you to be able to work yourself out of that if it was ever to become like that. Given that it’s something so unfamiliar, it’s going to be awkward at the start which will make things discouraging and I don’t want there to be an overflow of disappointment. If you want to see how things go, trust me I will take it slow. I’ll be mindful of how uncomfortable you may feel and I will sometimes test to see if you will open up to things like hugs and stuff as it goes on — but I will never force it onto you and I will wait till I see signs for that. I’m not sure with my family either because they are quick to judge and I don’t want you becoming victim to their slurs and so forth, and it’s going to be my job to protect you from that.

Waiting to hear from you soon,

Yours forever,

Sofia