Confessions From a Paraprofessional

I hate my kids. I don't have any biological children, but I have always looked at my students as my kids. I understand that not all of them are growing up with parents the way that I did. Two parents who love unconditionally, support dreams like it's their job, and listen to you even when their day was harder. I try to be that person for them. Someone who will listen to them even when they tell me to go fuck myself. Who helps them, not only academically but emotionally. Who believes in them even when they don't believe in themselves. Yet now I hate them, and I dread going to school a little more every day.

In the beginning, my students were great. They accepted my help, listened when I spoke, and knew when to knock off the nonsense. Of course, they had their attitudes, but they seemed to be able to walk the line so much better, they didn't disrespect me, and they did what they were told, no questions asked. But that ship has sailed, and these are completely different kids.

I used to wake up earlier than I needed. I would jump out of bed, do my makeup and hair, plan out my outfits, and genuinely be excited to go to school and work with my students. I loved walking in and saying good morning to them and starting the day with a little "how are doing today?" check-in discussion. We used to have such great conversations in the morning, and it made my day because I would either get to listen to my students talk glowingly about the excitements that awaited them for the day, or I would listen to their hardships, grievances and be able to give them some reassurance and let them know I was there if they needed.

In the last month, these students have morphed from having slightly uncontrollable behavior issues to being completely heartless monsters that do not care what you have to say or how you feel. They tell you no when they are asked to put their phones away and then try to gaslight you into thinking they never even had it out to begin with. They scream fuck you in your face as you are asking them to go back to class when they are wandering the halls. They say, "I don't care," when you warn them that there will be consequences for their actions and that they might go to summer school if they fail another class. To them, nothing is real, and everything is a joke, especially the teachers.

I know my coworkers feel my pain as well. The lunchroom conversations have turned from, "tomorrow I plan on . . ." to "I can't believe what so and so did . . ." it is now filled with disappointment, not so much in our students but ourselves. We are beginning to feel that we have failed as teachers, mentors, and educators. How can we say we have done our job when our students don't care about what they have learned? When they treat us like we aren't even people. We feel as though our jobs are pointless, and there is minimal support from all sides.

I don't want to go to work anymore; I don't want to continue my graduate program and become a teacher anymore; I am done. I feel myself shut down with every argument I get into with them; I feel myself walking slower to each next class, I feel myself watching the clock more and more, willing time to please go faster, for the love of God, go faster; end this.