Comparison Really is the Thief of Joy

I was journalling last night about what my main issues were that were keeping me up at night. The night before, I’d slept at midnight, despite getting into bed at 10:30 pm just because I was overthinking constantly. I felt all the emotions, resentment, anger, fear, discouraged and dejected. I had some news from work this week about a change in my job title and responsibilities. I realised most of my negative feelings were due to comparison, which has had such a hold on me for far too long.

Why do we compare? This must be an evolutionary thing, and it’s meant to motivate us. In hunter-gatherer tribes, we had to compare ourselves in terms of the effort and value we provide for the group; otherwise, we become social outcasts and wouldn’t survive alone. Now, with social media, this has become completely inflated as we’re comparing ourselves with thousands of other people, with completely different lives that have absolutely nothing to do with us. Every. Single. Day.

I feel I put way too much of myself back at school with academics. I was always striving for the best grades, constantly comparing myself to my peers and maybe that was why I did so well. The education system is built completely on comparison, between students, teachers and schools. Grade boundaries are based on the cohort as a whole. I did well, but at what costs? The students I was comparing myself to are now on their own path, and they do not influence my day-to-day, so why am I still comparing myself to others?

It’s a constant “Keeping up with the Joneses” with social media. I constantly feel like I’m not successful enough, pretty enough or ‘put together’. I feel like I’m stuck and falling behind because I’m not a millionaire and it’s making me feel less grateful about all the amazing things I do have. I want to be that ‘that girl’ and a ‘high-value’ woman, and all I’m doing is consuming so much content on how to make my life better, but instead, it’s starting to make me feel worse. This has got to stop.

One of the first thoughts I had when my manager told me about my job role change was “I’m going to be just like everyone else”. The change was to a different position, that only I still held in my team, but would make it easier for others to now get to my level, which at least one will soon. I’ll be ‘just like them’, and nothing special. I’ll no longer be ‘the’ person for everything, the second in command for the team, and my self-worth took a huge plummet.

Objectively, this is an opportunity and not wanting others to be at my level, because it’s ‘my’ role, is just petty. And I realise that. I guess I didn’t realise my strongly held belief that my self-worth and performance had come from not being the same as everyone else. Why can’t someone else be in the same position and I still perform well? I guess I’m scared that in the performance reviews, right now, I can’t be compared to others at my level because there’s no other person on my team doing that. And now they can. I put a lot of emphasis on unconscious bias and comparison, which unfortunately we all do without intention.

On the flip side, this could mean I’m going to try even harder, now that I’ve got ‘competition’. Or, is this just going to break me? As I’ve done this so many times before?

Comparison has had such a stronghold on me for far too long. It’s what I found difficult with starting Parkruns, with everyone running past me and me being a really slow runner. I know that logically over time I’d get better and faster, and I’m not last, but I have to remind myself the whole way that I just need to do better than last week, not better than someone who’s been running for years.

Comparison is why I struggle to put myself out there. I would love to start a YouTube channel or podcast, but the fact that I’ll be compared to everyone else and have to try and be ‘different’, ‘unique’ and ‘authentic’ has held me back from starting in such a saturated market. Of course, there will always be people who will compare me, but I am my own person, and the opinion of others can’t just hold me back like that any longer.

I’ve reflected upon people who I look up to that I don’t think compare themselves. One thing they all have in common is self-assurance. They’re very sure of their self-worth and their values and they understand that everyone’s on their own path. They know what to let go of, and what to fight for. You don’t think of Beyonce or your CEO comparing themselves to others because you think, ‘Well, they’ve made it, so why should they? They’re already the best at what they do!’, but that’s ridiculous. You define your definition of ‘made it’. Beyonce could have been comparing herself to other singers and your CEO could be comparing themselves to the CEO of bigger and more ‘successful’ companies. The comparison virus doesn’t differentiate.

Therefore, there’s nothing external that’s going to help with this. I found I had to choose to stop comparing myself and pass over thoughts such as ‘What if they don’t think I’m as good as ….’ or ‘They’re going to make me look bad…. That language reeks of pity to other people, and will only bring your value and respect down in their eyes.

Another reason for the comparison trap is imposter syndrome. I’m scared that someone else comes to my level, and is better than me, then it resurfaces my flaws and makes me look bad. Of course, I don’t want to look bad. Instead, I need to think ‘Well, this is a challenge and an opportunity to improve myself’ instead of always wanting to be at the top of the hierarchy. No one wants their flaws uncovered, and the realisation that they’re not as good as they thought, when they may already be suffering from imposter syndrome. It’ll feel like ‘Well, I was right! You are an imposter! You need to leave’.

This is going to be a long journey, but a real development towards my self-worth and maturity. This is still held from my childhood where society is built to constantly compare you. That’s how pay reviews, bonuses and clout are judged, it’s always a competition. I wouldn’t consider myself a competitive person, but maybe I really am deep down, but just show it differently. I will be striving to change my mindset on this and focus solely on my own path and using others for inspiration, not to bring me down.