Cold World

That feeling. The one you get. The one that burns your eyes, fogs up your mind. It drains your soul, the energy of your existence, yet the bain of the everything in your sights. The feeling of being alone in every angle of your life; like no one feels what you feel. Alone physically, mentally and emotional- everything means nothing. Having No one that comforts you, makes you better and has that special gem about them that assures you everything will be okay. Tired of everything, including life its self. Wanting to sleep, without sleeping. Staring into the mirror for hours at a time, wishing you recognized the person staring back at you. Yes, she has the shape of my nose, the same build, skin complexion, everything like me- but who is she? Unlike the iPhone, facial recognition is void and I’m shut out for more than 24 hours. Tired of speaking when it seems as if no one hears you. Tired of talking about the same shit that helps you less than a negative to move in and be ok. Tired of feeling like i will never be good enough no matter how much i achieve. Tired of being tired. Tired of fucking writing and having to deal with pain i was not ready for or deserved. Tired of breaking my back to achieve something i dont think I even want anymore!! Tired of wanting to get up and do what i thought i wanted to do. Tired of everything and everyone. My problem, oh yeah, my problem. Boy dont i have a lot of them; some of which i did not cause but i have to deal with. Im Struggling and saying im okay even when im not. Hoping to one day feel the care, understanding and amount of love i once had and thought i had for others in return. Instead of letting go, its hard for me. Reaching out to my family and friends, spilling my heart out over and over in hopes of releasing the demons that have painted my world with gloomy skies and clocks with no hands. Seeking for an understanding from loved ones to hear the cliches I know all too well. “It takes time” “it’ll be okay, just be patient” “pray” “I’m here if/ when you need me” “I understand”; but do you really? Everyone understands but no one gets it. Snap out of it they say, another way of downplaying what I’m going through. Many don’t see depression as a real thing, yet we’ve all experienced it. Don’t tell me how and when to hurt, nor should you give me a time frame. This state brings out the worst in you, while others blossom into a phoenix, using their tragic times as a way of life. Crying out loud and reaching for grabbing hands to heal my weary soul, seeing no one person to help. Having little to no energy of completing my daily routine and interests because I feel worthless. Wondering when I will come out of this hole that seems to get deeper. Wanting to give up everything I’ve worked for to sit in a room, in the dark, and waste away. Ignoring all calls and communication from the outside world because I have no energy to expel. Lying awake day and night, wishing to escape myself in hopes of finding a better me. Instead, I wake up multiple times in a dark room- mind racing about the past, a scripted scene of life I created and, more pain of what I have failed at overcoming. Wanting to cry even more than the last few seconds; breaking down in public, becoming flustered at the things that once came so easy, now mind boggling. Everyday, waking up seems like a curse and the will to be happy and better is there, but overshadowed by what isn’t. Who am I and when will the pain. Talk to a professional, they say, or suffer in silence. Either way, I just want to breathe. Breathe in air leas thick, hoping my sanity is restored with each intake of oxygen, resuscitating my bear lifeless soul. Medication is preached as if it’s the key to life; it helps nothing but the business industry. talking doesn’t help, and life itself pauses for no man. Running a marathon won’t help since I can’t outrun my problems. But what will help. Seems like nothing. My head hurts all the time and college has taught me large amounts of stress damages the brain- I see why I have memory issues: ISSUES IN GENERAL!! HELP!! Something I need so desperately yet seldom. I try to find and see the good in people even when they show me time and time again that they just arent, wont, cant and will not be the person i pictured them to be. Always the bigger person, caring for others even if they’ve done me wrong in some way. Wanting others to be happy, expressing some of my feelings and trying to let go of the fucked up things we have done and said because... in my head it could work out. Clearly not. I have so much faith in muhfuckers who probably give less than one fuck about me and how i feel and how they made me feel. Wanting to hate a couple muhfuckers so bad and i probably do, even when i tell them i cant. The amount of terror i want to bestow upon them with words that I actually mean is horrid. Sadly, as much as i want them to understand how they made me feel and why i havent let go wont happen. I care too fuckin much and i hate myself for it. Fuck people and what they stand for l want to hate people, hell, i even want to inflict pain on some of them but it wont change what has been and it wont help me. As much as i want to hurt them, if they needed me, theres a slim chance(depending on the person) that i would be stuck. One i want to crush their world and being because of the things we went through, promises we made and how they basically used me to get back to their norm, toying with my head and heart. Trying new things, letting them know me, even when i knew it was a bad idea. For us, hurting each other and most importantly, them leaving me at the saddest point of my life- hurting me more than possibly anyone. I want to hug them so tight and just feel like im not alone for just a few seconds. But i also want to beat their face in and tell them how fucked up they are and how they arent shit and fuck everything they stand for and how i wouldnt have left them if something like this happened to them. I cant put my qualities on anyone else. I honestly can say i think i hate her. She asked before if i hater her and i said no because i know i wasnt the greatest person and it could have been better or worse. Besides her moving on, what really broke my heart was her knowing how hurt i was and she still gave up and left me at my saddest hour. She broke my heart even worse than my daddy did and her letting go at such a bad time cut me almost as deep as losing my granny. I honestly think i hate her. I know im not supposed to hate but i think i do whole-heartedly. Its not right to talk about the things you’ve done for people especially if you’ve done it out of love and care. If i would have not communicated with her during her trying times, she probably would have hurt herself or ended her life. I cant bare thoughts of that, i wouldnt want that for anyone. Assuming that i wouldnt have responded or said goodbye, i would have to live with the pain of knowing i could have said something to keep her from harming herself-AND I DID.. even though we werent on good terms. Fucking amazing. Fucking amazing to know that im so fucking caring and weak-minded i let someone mind fuck me to believe that i could be with them and like them- especially someone of the same sex. Someone who was hurt and told me some things supposedly no one knew about her and some fucked up shit not even my mama has ever said to me. Someone who i had no interest in knowing or being close to, that knew my whole life, got me out of my comfort zones and somehow made me feel a little happy, made me feel so fucking dumb, stupid, worthless, and not good enough after i did everything in my power to make her happy with me and without me. And when i wanted to support her happiness away from me, the fact that i was distant bothered her- you cant want and need other people who you claim you’re in love with and keep the same relationship with me. Thats selfish asf and I refuse to play with someones heart and mind, and waste their time if i know i dont want to be with them. Why even try to build and keep them around? Once again, i cant put my qualities on other people, only perfect the ones I possess myself.